My wife thinks I'm a woodworker, craftsman, and handyman

Mar 25, 2021, 9:27 AM

I am not these things. When I try to be these things upon her request, I wind up hating myself.

Two major projects she has made me do in the last year: Built-in shelves and cabinets for her home office, and (just finished this weekend), board and batten for the foyer. "Board and Batten" sounds like an inn in 1400s England and part of my motivation to do the project was to get her to stop saying "board and batten".

The built-ins look #### good from a distance with all her #### on them, but if you inspect closely, you'll see they were made by a drunk amateur, not a craftsman. But she loves them, so that's a win.

Here's a basic run down of how doing one of these projects happens during an average Saturday of working on them.

-Go to Lowe's with her and spend about four times what we planned. Wind up buying #### that we eventually don't need. Plus she has to throw in a few new plants.
-Measure everything out. Forget to write it down. Go back and measure again.
-Crack first beer in the garage. Turn TVs on to football or basketball, or, if not in season, crank up 90s rock.
-Pull out plastic fold out table that has the ends shaved off due to past circular saw mishaps.
-Clamp wood. Start cutting. #### up a few pieces and cuss loudly.
-Start assembling structure.
-Put some pieces together that don't line up quite right.
-"Baby, you can wood putty this, right? Cool."
-Crack second beer.
-Cut more wood. Tear out some of what I already put together because a ####### half inch of drywall from the torn-out baseboard was jutting out and throwing off the alignment. More swearing. Declare to my wife that I'm not doing another project.
-Crack third beer. Stop a moment to explain to the little kids across the street what I'm doing because they want to ask me 24 questions about it.
-No, you little four-year-old urchin, you may not play with the circular saw. Where is your mom?
-Well, ####, forgot to buy something. Gotta go back to Lowe's.
-Get home, crack fourth beer. Put some more pieces together. Gotta sand #### down to make it flush. Get sawdust in my eyes.
-"Baby, you're gonna have to really wood putty the #### out of this crack."
-All while I'm doing this, I'm using our brad nailer. This is the only part of the job I enjoy. I love brad nailing the #### out of things. If I could spin it like a gun in the Old West and flip it into a holster, I would. But it's too big. Seriously, if you want me to help you with a project and all I have to do is just brad nail ####, I'm there. Please provide the beer.
-Crack fifth beer.
-Reach a stopping point around dinner. I have accomplished half of what I aimed to finish in about three times the allotted time.
-Wife asks, "Aren't you proud of yourself?" No. No, I am not. I suck out loud at this.
-Crack sixth beer and text the neighborhood boys to see what they're up to tonight so I can complain about it to them.
-Wake up Sunday, have two cups of coffee, go to Lowe's to get what I'm missing. Come home. Crack first beer and start cutting again. Wife starts musing about the next project...

Message was edited by: Catahoula®

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My wife thinks I'm a woodworker, craftsman, and handyman

but you eff just one goat!!!!

Same here

Just let me know when it is time to sell and I'll

Did I ever take you up to the man cave?

Yeah, you had the paw done last time I was over.

We nixed the garage bar...

Re: My wife thinks I'm a woodworker, craftsman, and handyman

Meh, my wife has to hold me back

How close are you to Charleston and...

She's wise really. She knows if I do a project

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