Greenr reviews Bourbon Street

Apr 12, 2021, 11:53 AM

As some of you know, Greenr was in South Alabama on the coast this week so we took a trip to the Big Easy to introduce my kids to good music, good food, and nasty people. If we were going to do it, we were going to stay walking distance from everything, no Uber, no cabs, just valet the car and pick it up when we leave.

Arrived after a couple hour drive along I-10 just after lunch time. We planned to get there at 1:00, had lunch reservations at 1:30, got to New Orleans around 2:00. Unfortunately, the road adjacent to the hotel, Conti Street, was blocked off for construction and Google Maps kept sending me around the block. Luckily, after 2-3 trips around in wall to wall traffic, we realized that you can valet from Bienville as well.

Dropped the car off under the hotel and checked in. Dropped a couple bags in the room and then proceeded to walk down Bourbon Street to Toulouse then to Jackson Square. I generally know my way around because I have been there once and everything is a square. The kids saw a lovely lady hike up her skirt for beads within 30 seconds of us heading out the hotel. I didn't think they saw it until they started talking about it at lunch. Walked through Jackson Square, snapped some pics, and proceeded to The Original French Market. The patio seats were all taken, so we sat inside. I chugged beers like it was my job and wife had Hurricane #1. Everyone ate well, kids had kid food, Greenr had Gumbo, wife had Jambalaya. Peed multiple times in the restaurant which becomes crucial with kids. Apparently they did not get that memo.

Went to Tujaques to get more drinks. We drank probably 10 hurricanes each there last time we were there for the Sugar Bowl. Well, Tujaques bar was an awesome old bar, super cool feel and look and apparently was in bad shape. The bar moved and didn't take the actual bar with them, it was too fragile. Found the new location and sat in a really cool patio for drinks. Kids had virgin hurricanes and then our debit card got declined. HOL UP! Oh, Bank thinks someone stole our card and is headed drinking in New Orleans so they just shut it down. Cash our way out of restaurant and spend 30 minutes clearing that up with the Bank which is closed....FML. Youngest had to pee so we hid him in the bushes near Jackson Square and let him pee where the bums pee.
Very New Orleans of us. Anyways, go back to hotel to change for dinner because baggies and a tie-dye apparently are not dinner attire anymore.

Walk back out on Bourbon Street around 6:45 ish. We have 8:00 reservations, gotta kill at least an hour. Let's take the kids all the way down Bourbon Street like good parents. It wasn't SUPER crowded, but it was getting that way. This picture sums up their experience.

Had a hand grenade, $10 for some sweet juice that may or may not have had booze. I think it did because I got back my little buzz. Wife had on some kind of animal print shirt and a group of dudes in animal print shirts surrounded her and chanted "ONE OF US, ONE OF US". She got a great picture with them and we all got a laugh. Hit up the restaurant (Mambo's) for wait-fest. Waiter was amazingly slow and totally DGAFF about anything. Food was good. Red Beans and Rice were the best, Oysters were meh, daughter tried oysters, she was the only trooper. Wife had another hurricane. Bread pudding for dessert and by that time (9:30), they were done. Went back to hotel and slept through all the chaos outside.

Oceana for breakfast, I had some biscuit with fried chicken, scrambled eggs, and sausage gravy on top...it was most excellent. Went to Jackson Square again to sight-see a little, find a bathroom for the littlest, buy trinkets from the guy who let him use his bathroom and the kids got to see a figurine of a woman giving an alligator a blowie, so that got discussed. Shirts were in there that said "Fuck this fucking fuck" which was nice too, right beside the titty shirts. We grab the car from the hotel, pack up, and head out for a nice 13+ hour drive. Thank TOM wife's new car is more fun to drive than the Pilot, it helped alot. Saw some real hail-damaged cars on the ride home, we dodged a bullet with that one.

TL;DR - Greenr is a pretty bad parent, but the kids had fun, ate well, and have some incredible stories to tell their friends and HOPEFULLY NOT their teachers.