Replies: 18
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All-In [42154]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 38239
Joined: 11/30/98
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Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.
Aug 24, 2016, 10:05 PM
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Because we all have #### in our lives. We all have our struggles and tribulations. We all have our battles with other people. We all have our stupid, mundane, pointless arguments on Tigernet, particularly in P&R.
But we all have it better off than the people I'm about to present to you.
Because, you see, I have a good friend who is an ER nurse. He has worked in Columbia and now in Charleston. We both have twisted senses of humor, and we both like to drink a lot. And when we do drink a lot, we share ###### up stories from our jobs.
And it only seemed natural to ask him this question one night recently: What's the most ###### up thing someone has stuck up their a.s.s.h.o.l.e. and had to visit the ER to have removed?
He had not one answer. He had not two. He had three. So, tonight, friends, I share these stories with you so you know that no matter how bad you think your life may be, there are those who have it worse.
Patient 1: A man arrived to the ER. He claimed his girlfriend dropped him off and left because "she had to get to work." Jammed firmly up his posterior was a bottle of Aqua Net.
Patient 2: Upon arriving to the ER, this man said he had a toy up there. That's pretty vague, so they administered an X-ray. Inside his land of Mordor was a giant Buzz Lightyear figurine. Twelve inches tall. But here's the main problem with the toy: the wings are retractable. And those mother ####### were fully deployed inside his man cave. Thus, the need for doctor assistance.
Patient 3: This is my personal favorite. A man arrived to the ER in considerable discomfort. He refused to sit. He explained that he had sent an operating vibrator spelunking into his cavern, and the device had gone so deep that he couldn't extract it. He begged doctors to pull it out immediately.
Ah, but herein lies the problem. A fully-functional, battery-operated device that has been deployed is too dangerous to remove through an operation for fear of further damage to the patient, particularly the risk of tearing an artery.
Thus, there is only one way to ensure the safety of removing a battery-operated vibrating device from such a tight space.
The batteries must die first.
This man paced a waiting room for three hours before the life finally drained from those Energizers. When the device finally shut down, he immediately screamed for the nurses and they took him to the operating table.
There you go, folks. I don't offer you much, but I give you this. Good night.
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Lot o points [180997]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 94633
Joined: 12/5/10
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10/10. Read three times.***
Aug 24, 2016, 10:09 PM
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Orange Blooded [4035]
TigerPulse: 97%
Posts: 3263
Joined: 4/13/16
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Re: Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.
Aug 24, 2016, 10:15 PM
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F--- man. I have nothing. Nothing but a lonely TU. But man o man. What a great trilogy and I thank you immensely.
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All-In [38187]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 13247
Joined: 5/21/13
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^^ this is why Jesus invented the Lunge ^^***
Aug 24, 2016, 10:38 PM
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Oculus Spirit [83116]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 80156
Joined: 11/29/99
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The A$$man's back in town. You got that straight.***
Aug 24, 2016, 10:42 PM
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Orange Blooded [4356]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 2868
Joined: 1/18/03
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hey, stick it up yer ### man! Point for change of pace, and
Aug 24, 2016, 11:07 PM
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Not that most of us need it, the reminder that the bwhole is a one way street.
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All-In [42154]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 38239
Joined: 11/30/98
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I have wondered since then...
Aug 24, 2016, 11:10 PM
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What would drive a grown man to stick a 12-inch Buzz Lightyear doll up your bunghole. Did he just like to experiment with different items? Was it the heat of the moment and his kid's toys were the closest options within reach to satisfy this desires? Did he actually hope the wings would create a nicer feel?
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Legend [17753]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 16306
Joined: 5/13/02
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To infinity AND BEYOND***
Aug 25, 2016, 9:15 AM
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110%er [5508]
TigerPulse: 94%
Posts: 3806
Joined: 8/23/13
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Pretty sure I've seen a X-ray pic online of buzz in someone's ###
Aug 24, 2016, 11:09 PM
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Wonder if it's the same guy your friend met
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110%er [5508]
TigerPulse: 94%
Posts: 3806
Joined: 8/23/13
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found it
Aug 24, 2016, 11:11 PM
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Legend [17337]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 3961
Joined: 4/11/01
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Remember that episode of Jackáss when Ryan Dunn...
Aug 24, 2016, 11:34 PM
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put a toy car in a condom, lubed it up, and jammed it in his b-hole? Classic.
RIP
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110%er [5508]
TigerPulse: 94%
Posts: 3806
Joined: 8/23/13
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Legend [19919]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 7798
Joined: 10/12/08
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Re: Tonight, I bestow upon you a gift.
Aug 24, 2016, 11:52 PM
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That gotdam bunny can be a PITA. Literally.
Post of the year! Too bad I can only give it one TU.
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CU Medallion [55747]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 35292
Joined: 11/30/98
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H. O. F. - this is a lunge all-timer***
Aug 25, 2016, 6:59 AM
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Oculus Spirit [85323]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 24916
Joined: 5/21/14
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Similar story I heard a few weeks ago
Aug 25, 2016, 7:38 AM
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My friend had the same question for a nurse and she relayed the following:
A patient came into the ER with his wife. He complained of stomach pains and they did x-rays or something to try and figure out what his problem was. He was there for 2 or 3 hours before his wife said she had to go to the restroom. As soon as she left, the man speaks the truth. "I have a bottle stuck up my ###. I couldn't say it in front of my wife." They said it wasn't a small bottle, but like a 1 liter. And it didn't go up the b-whole cap first, butt the other way around.
They checked his records and this was not the first bottle removed from his ####.
They're are some messed up people in this world indeed.
Great stories, btw, tu to you for sharing.
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All-In [33418]
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Posts: 32207
Joined: 2/20/04
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I guess this is why TXTF has been so absent from the Jounge***
Aug 25, 2016, 9:05 AM
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All-In [34584]
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Joined: 4/20/01
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IT WAS NOT AQUANET! IT WAS CONSORT! ###, dont
Aug 25, 2016, 9:06 AM
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talk about me unless you get it right!
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Oculus Spirit [97717]
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Had to point that, even though i don't think the last one
Aug 25, 2016, 1:34 PM
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was real. All they needed to do was get this guy to drink a gallon of this:
Would have fired like a missile across the ER within 30 minutes. Proceeded to hit the wall with a splat, then fall to the floor. On the floor it would still be buzzing and scattering feces all over the place.
Yep, that's how I see it really unfolding.
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All-In [25721]
TigerPulse: 100%
Posts: 13395
Joined: 11/21/05
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Re: Unbelievable.....definitely lunge-worthy
Aug 25, 2016, 1:55 PM
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Well done.
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Replies: 18
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