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CU Medallion [65002]
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Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 10:13 AM
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I posted a few days ago about my Ma in law, who suddenly exhibits major symptoms of Alzheimers. She thinks it is 1966, and that her mother and grandmother are still alive. (She is 96 years old.)
I think, as a family, we have not handled it very well, to date. Her son gets upset when she asks him to take her home, and starts yelling at her that she IS home. (She thinks home is where she lived in 1966. But, her memory is a Quantum Leap swiss cheese, because she remembers me, and that I am married to her daughter, even though I did not even come on the scene until 1984.)
My wife would sit right next to her mother, and laugh whenever her mother said something that was obviously wrong. Both the yelling and the laughing upset Ma, and me as well. I finally had a "Come to Jesus" discussion with wife and Bro-in-law. What I said was this:
"Your mother is on a journey right now that NO ONE wants to be on. Imagine if you were an unwilling time traveler, and suddenly you were plunked down in an old persons body, 55 years into the future, looking around a house you don't recognize, seeing people you don't recognize, NOT seeing people who should be there. And on top of that, through some warped memory, you do still recognize your children, but they are yelling at you or laughing at you. You would react EXACTLY the same way she is, you would be scared, you would cry, you would think people are lying to you. And, the above all most important thing is, NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION!"
I told them that God is holding a mirror up in front of us right now, and we should all be ashamed of what we see. I am no better than them, I tried to stay away from the situation for the most part. But, having finally sat through it for an afternoon, I could not hide my shame anymore. I had hit my knees the night before, and prayed for understanding about how this could possibly be God's plan. I am no less a sinner than anyone else in this situation, but somehow, I got a sense that God IS handling it now.
Ma kept asking them, "You all think I'm crazy, what do you want from me? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? If seeing a 96 year old woman cry like a baby doesn't get to you, you don't have any heart.
I did what was suddenly on my mind. I sat right next to her, and said "Do you know me, do you know who I am?" She nodded yes. I had to speak directly into her ear from very close, because she is nearly deaf. "Do you believe that what I will tell you is the truth?" She said, "I think so." So, I told her to listen very carefully, and said, "You are NOT crazy. Try to imagine that your memories are all books in a great big library. Each time you process any information, you get one of these books down off the shelf, and use it to make sense of the current situation. Are you with me so far?" She nodded yes, again. "Sometimes, at your age, things can happen in your head to cause you to lose your index to the library, and you pull the wrong books off the shelf, without knowing or meaning to. This is why things that really happened awhile ago may seem to be real, right now. Do you understand?" She nodded, but again started to cry, "But I don't know what's happening to me!"
So, in the end, I had no magic bullets. But, at least the way I had tried to explain things to her made an impression on my wife and bro-in-law, I think. They immediately changed their way of looking at it. It's very hard, especially on bro-in-law, who lives with her full time. His mother now thinks she is being held in a strange house against her will, and threatened to call the police on him several times while I was there. She would probably be a prime candidate to wander off if she were physically able to do so. It is probably a twisted blessing that she is too pain ridden physically to be able to do so.
I realize this forum is not meant for this type of thing. But, between all the sports talk and banter, please pray for my second mother and our family. Anyone who has dealt with Alzheimers knows all too well what is ahead, it will get worse before it gets better, when God finally takes her home.
Thank you to all who read to the end, just "getting it down on paper" has helped, already.
Oh, a final word, just to show how cruel Alzheimers can be. Later on that evening, she suddenly began to cry, and hollered out, "Maa (her grandmother), mama and pops are all dead, I ain't got nobody left now!" Her memory suddenly shifted, and she realized they were all gone. Could you imagine how cruel that would be, to suddenly relive losing those closest to you all over again?
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110%er [5013]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 10:20 AM
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Well done!
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110%er [5053]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 10:23 AM
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Prayer works! Your response to this problem proves it! I have been there, and hope you continue to be the light that the family needs. I have no thoughts or insights to help, you are already where you need to be. Just "hold her hand" as much as possible.
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Oculus Spirit [76736]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 10:36 AM
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I’m so sorry. I don’t know what disease could be more cruel. My grandmother suffered from brain tumors and the symptoms were very similar. She would come in and out of reality, but mostly out. She thought we were perpetually out to eat and she was going to pick up the check. However, she was in a long term care facility. The worst was when we would try to leave. She would follow us and it never ended well. My prayers for you and yours.
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110%er [6513]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 10:44 AM
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Your empathy is beautiful, fellow Tiger. My Grandmom had Dementia (not sure expect Dx) and my Dad passed from Lewy Body Dementia 2 years ago, and it is painful to see on the outside as a loved one, but what the sufferer endures should always be handled delicately.
As a sufferer, I can promise you it makes all the loving difference in the world when even ONE person empathizes with your tough row to hoe.
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All-TigerNet [10483]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 11:11 AM
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All mental health issues are excruciatingly painful and in many cases very lonely, stranded on a desert island lonely, for the healthy family members that are left to man the fort.
I would describe fighting these things as exactly like walking outside and having a fist fight with fog.
You battle the loneliness with openness. You battle the futility with faith. I know of no other solutions. This too shall pass. God Bless You.
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Orange Blooded [4150]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 11:21 AM
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Our family has a member (Uncle) who is in the initial stages of Alzheimers, We, (all family members) are having trouble understanding how to deal with him. Some days is good, some not so good. From my seat you did a great job of explaining some of the issues and a way to deal with the problem. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your Mother in Law. Prayers does and will help.
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Orange Blooded [2403]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 11:28 AM
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She's 96 / /she deserves whatever.
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Oculus Spirit [76736]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 11:34 AM
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I have an uncle that says when he turns 73 he is going to start smoking again, ??
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Orange Blooded [2403]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 4, 2021, 12:29 AM
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I'd wait a little longer than that. Today, 73 isn't that old 
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Oculus Spirit [76736]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 5, 2021, 7:30 PM
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Exactly!!!!!
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Orange Blooded [3957]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 11:37 AM
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76er, you handled that as well as it could be. Alzheimers is indeed a very cruel disease. I've had several extended family members that had it and it's a struggle. It sounds like y'all are already doing this, but Bro-in-law will need breaks from the situation since he is the primary caregiver. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is very stressful on them as well and they just need to get away from time to time to some normalcy for them, even if only a few hours. My prayers go out for everyone involved in this battle.
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CU Medallion [55303]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 11:44 AM
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IMO, I believed in what Dr Kevorkian was willing to do for people when death was the best choice for them over living with the horror of some conditions.
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Rationally, I'm with you on that, but my religious beliefs
Jul 3, 2021, 12:09 PM
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cannot support it. That is one of the things that makes this situation so tough.
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Orange Blooded [2081]
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Re: Rationally, I'm with you on that, but my religious beliefs
Jul 3, 2021, 12:33 PM
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I was caregiver for my MOM that died at 91 years old and she was the best MOM I could
have ever wished for. I understand my brother and his son would laugh at MOM a few
times when she was talking out of her head. I corrected them and told them not to make
fun of her anymore. They didn't mean any harm but that was so heartbreaking for me to watch.
She would look at me and ask where is Benny and I would say I am Benny and she would say
I mean my Benny. A tough situation but she went to heaven Nov. 3. 2020. She passed in her sleep
Congestive heart failure was what made her heart stop beating. I would take care of her again if
I could hear her sweet voice again.
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All-TigerNet [10779]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 3:23 PM
[ in reply to Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on. ] |
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i understand your reasoning,but if a person is suffering and incapable of making the choice to leave this world,who should be the one to pull the plug.it's got to be extremely difficult decision to make.a local family had to do that,and it still haunts them to this day.
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 6:19 PM
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I know a little about that. My father had been on a ventilator for 45 days in ICU due to congestive heart failure. He was lucid, but his lungs could not function at the time well enough on their own. Three previous attempts had been made to wean him from the vent, but each time, the breathing tube had to go back in. He did NOT want to be kept alive stuck on the ventilator, and my mom later, tearfully decided to get the docs to honor his wishes, and a time was set to do it. I am the next youngest of 5 children, but no one else was willing to be the one to tell daddy what was coming. I was NOT going to let him go through this unprepared, or without offering the option to change his mind.
I had to look into my own blue eyes, and tell my father that the docs were coming to take him off the vent, and this time, the breathing tube was staying out, no matter what. I made him nod his head to make sure he understood me, and what the consequences of that would be, he either had to breath on his own, or die. He nodded yes. I then told him that if leaving that tube out is NOT what he wanted, he had to nod to tell me NO. He just stared at me, for about 15-30 seconds that seemed like an eternity, until I couldn't bear it anymore, and had to leave the room.
I still remember their preacher sitting with my mom, and asking if there was anything he could do for her. "Just pray that when they take that tube out of his mouth this time, he will be able to BREATHE."
I thank our Lord above for that small answered prayer. Daddy rallied slightly when they took out the tube, and survived for 21 more days before the congestive heart failure took him. He died late, late one night in an assisted living hospital room, and his last breaths, you could tell by his death mask, were spent gasping for air. I think God allowed him to live those 21 days so that our family would not be so directly traumatized and haunted by that decision to remove him from the ventilator. This was back in 1998. Am I haunted by it? Who's to say, but I do carry the weight of that decision, looking directly into my fathers eyes, with me every day of my life.
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CU Medallion [55303]
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110%er [6440]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 12:39 PM
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76er, I’m so sorry that your mother in law, your wife, and family are going through this. Like you said, it’s a journey no one wants to be on. Each Alzheimer’s patient exhibits different symptoms, and it’s so hard on the family and caretakers. I’ve had loved ones with it who are scared and silent, never saying anything, while others are extremely loud, lashing out, and hitting people.
We’ve started having concerns over my mother in law. She’s in her early eighties, but has started forgetting names, and has even gone to the grocery store, and then forgotten where she was and how to get home. She and my father in law are in denial, blaming it on old age, and claim her physician says she’s “normal” for her age.
Prayers for strength and comfort for your family and God Bless.
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1st Rounder [612]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 12:52 PM
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If you don't work with Alzheimer's patient- you missed your calling.
You nailed that perfectly. Your second momma, is blessed to have you in her life- or is that you are blessed to have her in yours!
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Orange Blooded [3039]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 12:52 PM
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Prayers for you and your family. My father-in-law suffered from Alzeimers. Stay strong and remain in faith.
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All-In [38469]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 12:53 PM
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You are a good man.
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CU Guru [1803]
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I read a book about "joy in the moment" for these poor
Jul 3, 2021, 1:24 PM
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loved ones suffering from this. We learned not to always tell the truth. When my 89 yr old mom would ask for her parents we'd say they were working and she'd see them later. That kind of response always calmed her. Unfortunately, in your case she does have lucidity and knows that things aren't right. Bless her and your heart. How can anyone laugh or get mad at someone who is so lost? Pray for patience and kindness from them and for that sweet woman.
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All-TigerNet [10779]
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Re: I read a book about "joy in the moment" for these poor
Jul 3, 2021, 2:53 PM
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this may already have been said,but no matter.i think your mother-in-law,your wife,and others in the family are fortunate to have someone like yourself around to help.you have the compassion and insight that a lot of people lack.
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All-TigerNet [10779]
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Re: I read a book about "joy in the moment" for these poor
Jul 3, 2021, 2:55 PM
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sorry.misplaced post.meant for 76er.
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Hall of Famer [22127]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 12:59 PM
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Many of us have been affected by a family member or close friend who was a victim of this dreaded disease. Many others will be facing the same problem down the road. It has been said and, I wholeheartedly agree, that the caregivers and loved ones often suffer more than the patient. Your comments point out some important factors. One being, regardless of the situation, always let the patient know you love them. My wife was in a nursing home for four years and one of the things she always welcomed was a back rub. Some times the tendons in the back of her knees were as tight as a drum but a good back rub was always an effective relaxer.
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All-TigerNet [12833]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 1:21 PM
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?
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All-TigerNet [10779]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 3:02 PM
[ in reply to Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on. ] |
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i've always said that everyone around the patient is affected to a certain degree as well as the patient,having gone through other health issues with my parents and my wife.
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Trainer [40]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 1:10 PM
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You are a wise man! Good Luck and prayers sent.
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All-TigerNet [12833]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 1:21 PM
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?
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Orange Blooded [2466]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 2:48 PM
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I'm impressed with your patience and compassion. Prayers to you and your family.
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 6:23 PM
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It's not me, brother. I have a "fly off the handle sometimes" kind of temper. Any ability to cope with this situation, just as past ones, is coming straight from Jesus Christ, my Savior.
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Recruit [78]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 3:13 PM
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We were always trained to join the person with Alzheimer’s, wherever they are, you cannot dissuade, but you can redirect their attention. You may want to Google Alzheimer’s Association for education and general guidance. God bless all involved.
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Great advice, that is very hard to follow for someone too
Jul 3, 2021, 6:28 PM
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close to the situation. The library analogy I used was just as much for the benefit of my wife and brother-in-law as it was for Ma. The wife of a close friend who went through this for several years with her mom told me basically the same thing.
Small example she gave me of what you are saying, I believe. She said her mom told her one time when they went outside, "The sky is purple!" (It wasn't.) She just said, "Mom, purple is one of my favorite colors." This kept her mother calm in the situation.
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Legend [16472]
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Terrible for all involved. My Father-in-law going through
Jul 3, 2021, 3:15 PM
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the same thing. Thinks he's in prison. Constantly wants to go home. Starting to have trouble remembering how to deal with life's "necessities". Really hard to watch such a good man go through it.
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CU Medallion [65002]
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My prayers for your family as well, I know they are needed.
Jul 3, 2021, 6:41 PM
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I try to cling to the part of a Bible verse that says
"Now, we see through a glass darkly, but then, face to Face."
I have used this as a part time Sunday School teacher many times. (Me, a Sunday School teacher, that's a laugh in and of itself!) It means that God operates on a plane of understanding that we as human beings just cannot comprehend. But, when we join him in Heaven, all will be made known, and it will all make cosmic sense.
Every NDE (Near death experience) that had details that I have ever seen reviewed on YouTube has some reference to this, something to the effect of "Suddenly, everything just made perfect sense!" As I take my daily pain meds, and hobble my way through life down here, that is one of the tenets of Faith that I hang my hat on. I hope it may help your family in your situation as well.
ps,
Get the book "90 Minutes in Heaven", by Minister Don Piper. It will change your point of view forever. Amen.
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Trainer [36]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 3:41 PM
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I have no idea of your mother in law’s financial situation, nor do I know where she is located but I highly recommend for her and you that you look in to Memory Care of Simpsonville. I have no ties to the facility, however; I have been in healthcare for 21 years and I have great knowledge of their passion for taking care of folks like you. The taxing strain that sits on her shoulders as does it on your family is immense. Your brother in law who lives it everyday should have a Medal of Honor.
Reach out to Andy Garrison the Administrator and tell him Greg Hopkins sent you. They offer respite care if not a full time resident just to offer a break for a family when needed. There is truly no place like it in what it offers in support and care anywhere in the Southeast. God bless you and your family for what you have on you now. May God give you comfort and peace on this terribly difficult path.
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 6:43 PM
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We are nowhere near Simpsonville, but I do thank you for the resource. It would be worthwhile just to contact them, I think. They can't be the only resource out there, they may be able to steer me towards others closer to us.
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Orange Blooded [3673]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 6:49 PM
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my grandaddy died of the same. it was terrible to watch.
its almost as terrible as watching someone with dementia destroy the country while playing puppet to
the horse faced pea-brained AOC and her band of losers! (obuma and his dude big mike)
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 3, 2021, 6:54 PM
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4 more years and AOC will be eligible to run for President. That is when things will get really bizarre. 
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110%er [6009]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 4, 2021, 8:21 AM
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76er You described a lot of what my Mom and family went through. It is such a cruel disease and we had to have some come to Jesus meetings as it is so taxing on all that are truly involved with their care.
Prayers that God will give ya'll the strength and patience and all ya'll need to take care of your Ma n law and for her to have the best days possible.
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 4, 2021, 11:50 PM
[ in reply to Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on. ] |
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My husband, Bob Waldrop, died of Alzheimer's disease 4/26/2020. I had him cremated, and I spread some of his ashes in the graveyard above the stadium.
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MVP [520]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 4, 2021, 11:59 AM
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That hit me in the feels first thing this morning. Then I ride my bike near Lake Marion over to "Boat Church" and the sermon hit me there as well. We are all God's children, now act like it was the message.
Friday, I leave Simpsonville on a three day, 252 mile bike ride to Charleston on a fund raiser for the Alzheimer's Association with over 200 other cyclists. This will be my 6th year participating and working to help find a cure.
I needed to see your story this morning. Thank you for sharing.
https://act.alz.org/site/TR/ActiveEvents/SC-SouthCarolina?pg=entry&fr_id=14979
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Heisman Winner [133698]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 4, 2021, 12:57 PM
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Prayers for you, your family and the situation you are facing.
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Starter [372]
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Re: Alzheimers: Starting a journey that no one wants to be on.
Jul 5, 2021, 10:17 AM
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I lost my mom to this disease in November and her sister died with it 2 days later. I understand her son and daughters frustrations because it very difficult to deal with as it is hard to understand.
The best thing that happened through all this is that my job allowed me to spend more time with my mom than I had in years. At times it was difficult but you have to enjoy the moments when they are truly there with you and then just take it and be as supporting as you can when they are not. The most difficult time I had was when I would walk in and she would smile and take my hand and then say I know you but then ask me who my mother was? Naturally I would say you are my Mom but she would just smile.
We were also able to get Hospice involved pretty early and they came 2 to 3 days a week to check on her and help us understand how to handle each step as it came. We were able to keep her at home because if them. If she has seen a neurologist I would ask them if they could get her referred to hospice and see if you can get some help through them.
We are in Florence Area and McLeod hospice was absolutely great to work with.
Best of luck and stress to the family that it will be difficult but still try to enjoy the time you have with her the best you can
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CU Medallion [65002]
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Update: We had some people who tried to cheer us up,
Jul 6, 2021, 9:13 AM
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saying that there have been many instances where behavior that mimicked Alzheimers symptoms was temporary, caused by a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection). She had a UTI, but was treated for it, and is nearly over it. However, her "episodes" persist, and are getting even more frequent and depressing. I have to find some local medical resources to help us, because after less than a month, my wife and brother-in-law are already worn down physically and mentally from having to deal with it everyday.
Please continue to pray for us.
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