An all-inclusive resort tale

May 19, 2021, 11:58 AM

Sorry, when I tell stories, I generally want a new thread. Preemptive point to Obed who is going to give me #### for starting a new one.

About 10 years ago, we went to an all-inclusive in Dominican Republic. Can't remember the name, but it had a casino (I got took real bad on some game called super rouletta... don't ever play this). Drank lots of Presidente and Mama Juanna, learned to tell the bartenders "Que lo que?" which is their way of saying, "What's up?"

Anyway, we made friends with a family from Texas; they were huge Texas Tech fans and their teenage son had just sold a prized cow for something stupid, like $200,000. So he was paying for their trip. We agreed to meet up with them at the bar after dinner to throw down a little bit. You know, just so long as we didn't have to talk about that one bowl game anymore (RIP Charlie Whitehurst).

As my wife, brother in law (who was single at the time), and I are sitting at the bar before dinner, his eye catches an attractive blonde sitting at the end by herself. We're a little surprised she's there alone, but she's just sitting there sipping her drink without a care in the world. I, of course, encourage him to go talk to her, but he's not sure if he should approach. After all, she could just be waiting for someone. But we do notice she doesn't have a wedding ring.

So, since I'm more of a genius the more I drink, I devise a plan to make this approach seem less creepy. I encourage my wife to introduce herself and invite this young woman to dinner in case she doesn't have anyone to eat with. Then we'll play it from there if she's receptive.

My wife reluctantly agrees and goes to talk to the woman. Before long, she's motioning us to come over, and the girl is all smiles. She speaks good English, but she's actually from Switzerland, she says. And she would love to come to dinner with us, provided we're okay with her mother joining us. Apparently it's just the two of them on the trip.

Of course, we said. Hey, I know if bro in law wants to have a chance, winning over mom is a good idea.

Her mother does join, and we have a great dinner. Her mother's English isn't quite as good as her daughter's. I'll save you the details from dinner, because it doesn't really matter. What matters is that mom decides she wants to turn in for an early night, but daughter is more than looking forward to joining us and Texas family for drinks at the bar that night.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty good for my BIL. It seems half the battle is won. And they're seem to be having good conversation. The three of us link up with the Texas family and it's game on.

As the blonde downs a couple more drinks, she drops two new pieces of info on us: She's not from Switzerland. She's from Liechtenstein. She just thought we Americans wouldn't know what it was or where it was. And then, the bigger one: She's only 19. I mean, not really that big a deal, I guess... she didn't look that young. My BIL was early 30s. But hey...

Anyway, everyone's having a grand time. I've spent most of it talking football with the Texas dad and letting BIL try to make headway with Liechtenstein girl. But as I walk up to the bar to order another drink, the girl turns to me and issues a challenge.

She says something she should never say to ole Cata. She utters words that I, as a true drunken, proud American, cannot let slide no matter how badly my BIL is trying to get with her.

With European arrogance flashing in her eyes, she grins and says, "You Americans can't drink."

Oh no. No, sweet child, you did not. I had no choice, guys. I had to teach her a lesson. I had to do it for my country. Our grandfathers did not liberate all of Europe just to have some 19-year-old Liechtenstein chick casually toss sass at me at an all-inclusive resort about my drinking prowess.

I stepped up to the bar and ordered shots of whiskey for the crew. "What brand, sir?" the bartender asked. "I don't care," I said. "Pick one." Texas dad voiced a resounding approval.

I don't know if that girl had ever had whiskey before, but she #### sure didn't act like she had. But she did it. I gave her a little time to recover, then it was a round of Mama Juannas. She grimaced, but gulped it down. I kept them coming. Each time, I reminded her that she asked for this. She grew more silly. More giggly. More stumbly. And I think BIL realized that chances were fading away.

Finally, in the midst of a giggle and a side step, she fell completely on her ###, legs up in the air. My wife quickly prevented her dress from revealing too much. We pulled her to her feet. Texas dad applauded. My wife gave me one of those, "Why are you still such a child?" looks.

"It's time to take her back to her mom," my wife said. I agreed; I knew when an opponent was defeated. There was no need for any insurance kicks while she was down.

I draped her right arm over my shoulders. My wife draped her left arm over hers. Together, we carried her out of the bar. It took some time to get her to direct us to her room; she mixed in some German with her English. Finally, we found the right room and knocked. Mom answered and looked completely shocked. Her daughter just giggled. We awkwardly handed her over, and I just said, "She had a little too much fun. Sorry!" And got out of there.

We did see her again the next day and taught her how to play beer pong. After that, not much; I think mom realized that our American brand of drinking wasn't going to go well with her daughter. She did send all of us Facebook friend requests, and we saw she had a baby a year later. Sometime within the last 10 years, though, she bumped us off the list.

Anyway, that's how my pride screwed up my BIL's chances at the resort. But it had to be done. For America.

Wherever you are, Liechtenstein chick, here's a toast to you.

flag link

military_tech

thumb_down

thumb_up

[Catahoula] used to be almost solely a PnR rascal, but now has adopted shidpoasting with a passion. -bengaline

You are the meme master. - RPMcMurphy®

Trump is not a phony. - RememberTheDanny

An all-inclusive resort tale

murica baby!! #### yeah!!

Re: murica baby!! #### yeah!!

I'm picturing meike from euro trip

Not nearly that good, but definitely aspiring.***

Re: Not nearly that good, but definitely aspiring.***

Man, dem tiddies was worth waiting to see!***

I usually love long stories.

I though you usually love Dong stories

sup.***

That was beautiful

so you BIL got her pregnant?***

Command + F "three way" no? "3 way" no? "cucked" no?

Said she's from Liechtenstein

Great story! So elegant.

Re: An all-inclusive resort tale

Re: An all-inclusive resort tale

TigerBoard POTD