A Brief History of the 2018 College Football Season

Dec 18, 2018, 12:11 PM

Another glorious college football regular season has ended, and bowl season is upon us. Many of you may reflect upon the season and think you know what transpired, but I’m here to tell you that you likely have a very distorted view of what actually went down. In order to rectify these misconceptions, I present a brief history of the 2018 college football season.

August 24. The Ohio State University announced that Urban Meyer would allow OSU to suspend Urban Meyer for the first three games of the season for failing to report the misconduct of assistant coach Zach Smith. When asked why the punishment was not more severe, a trustee spokesman replied, “Coach Meyer told us that this was enough.” Meyer also suspended Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith for 17 days for failing to divert blame away from Meyer. Smith thanked Meyer for the opportunity to remain his boss.

September 1. After losing a 63-14 nail-biter against Oklahoma in Norman, the Florida Atlantic University Alumni Association sent out a text celebrating their victory. “I know some people may want to point to the scoreboard,” said the association’s vice-president, Rebekah Dickinson, “but we clearly were the better team out there tonight.” In a broadcast booth somewhere, Kirk Herbstreit says, “hmm.” Lane Kiffin takes a call from anonymous Auburn boosters.

September 3. New Florida State Head Coach Willie Taggert unleashes an offensive tidal wave against Virginia Tech that comes up just three touchdowns short, resulting in 24-3 loss. In a post-game press conference, 24 year old Florida State beat reporter Stan Ketchum, 5’-7”, 135 lbs, asks Taggert if he ever considered, “running a play action pass. You know, one where the quarterback fakes a handoff to freeze the linebackers for a moment?” Taggert leans over and whispers to his offensive coordinator, “Hey, write that down.”

September 4. In a move that surprised no one, former Iraqi Defense Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, better known as Baghdad Bob, heralded for his unwavering optimism during the imminent collapse of the Sadaam Hussein regime, awarded his Protégé of the Year award to University of South Carolina color commentator Todd Ellis. “I thought that I could spin a story,” said the former general, “but this Ellis guy and his Gamecocks ‘cycling in’ speech? Are you kidding me? I was good, but with Allah as my witness, I could never get anywhere close to that level of preposterous and keep a straight face. That guy is full of it.”

September 8. Perennial Atlantic Coast Conference powerhouse Duke beat a top 25 team in Northwestern on the road, 21-7. Wildcat Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald said after the game that, while the loss was disappointing, “playing such a brutal non-conference schedule will prepare us for the gauntlet that is the Big 10 West. I mean, we could play Florida’s non-conference schedule, but that’s not who we are.” For the first time since Al Gore was relevant, Kansas won a road game.

September 15. Perennial Independent powerhouse BYU beat a top 10 team in Wisconsin on the road, 24-21. Badger Head Coach Paul Chryst said after the game that, while the loss was disappointing, “playing such a brutal non-conference schedule will prepare us for the gauntlet that is the Big 10 West…” Meanwhile, Northwestern continued its Big 10 West preparation tour by hosting perennial Mid-American Conference powerhouse Akron, losing 39-34, prompting Wildcat Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald to take a verbal jab at Wisconsin, stating, “we are now definitely more ready for the Big 10 West than they are.” Perennial preseason poll powerhouse Auburn loses at home to LSU, prompting Guz Malzhan to remind reporters, “Y’all do remember what my buyout is, right?”

September 22. Winless Old Dominion University outscores undefeated Virginia Tech 49-35, prompting Frank Beamer to turn over in his…..bed. Colorado Buffalo mascot Chip the Buffalo is injured when he mistakenly aims the t-shirt cannon toward his…err…buffalo chips….and fires. Chip is carted away toward a waiting ambulance.

September 25. After cementing his legacy as the number 2 quarterback for 2 years on the number 2 team in college football, Clemson QB Kelly Bryant, No 2, left the team. Although the preponderance of deuces was indeed coincidental, it was widely reported that Bryant did not, in fact, have a pair.

September 29. Unheralded and former third-team Clemson QB Chase Brice leads a game-winning 90-yard drive to defeat Syracuse. The key play of this drive was not a fourth-and-six completion to Tee Higgins as has been suggested, but the following play, an RPO in which the freshman used his 5.24 top-end speed to set up the go-ahead touchdown. Elsewhere, during a critical time out on a fourth down play on the deciding drive in Happy Valley against Ohio State, Penn State offensive coordinator Ricky Rahne calls Georgia Head Coach Kirby Smart for advice. “Whatever you do,” Smart tells him, “do not put the ball in the hands of your best player. That’s what they’re expecting.”

October 6. The Florida Gators upset the LSU Tigers in Gainsville, prompting LSU Head Coach Ed Orgeron to go on a thirty minute tirade in the Tiger’s locker room. Linguists have been called in to decipher the rant but, according to those familiar with the situation, progress has been slow. One week after a physical Army team took the Sooners into overtime, Texas beats Oklahoma in the Red River Rivalry. Sooner Head Coach Lincoln Riley says, “I think it’s a bit much to ask our guys to come back after the pounding we took last week. Most of our guys are still transitioning away from seven-on-seven football; we’re really not used to tackling people.” Perennial preseason powerhouse Auburn, somehow still in the top 10, losses at Perennial SEC West powerhouse Miss St, 23-9.

October 13. Northwestern proves that its brutal non-conference schedule is paying dividends as the Wildcats beat winless Nebraska in overtime, 34-31. Perennial preseason powerhouse Auburn, somehow still in the top 25, loses at home to Tennessee. Mysterious Auburn boosters meet with the mother of former Ole Miss defensive tackle Robert Nkemdiche. “You know, we was just talkin’. When Robert was in college here in Oxford, it seems every business decision I made was a good one. Some I didn’t even remember. I had businesses everywhere. Once a week I’d just show up and collect my money. I knew just where to go. I’m smart like that. I think I’d be the perfect person to coach Auburn if they ever needed a coach. It’s not like I need the money now. I’ve watched a lot of football and I know how to get the best players (winks)”.

October 14. Auburn University announces the hiring of Mama Nkemdiche as its new head football coach. “We’re excited to have Coach Nkemdiche lead our program and look forward to point where we can compete with the Alabama’s and Georgia’s of the world.” When reminded that Auburn somehow beat both Alabama and Georgia last year, Auburn Athletic Puppet….err… Director Allen Green replied, “Well, it seems a lot longer than that.”

October 15. Mama Nkemdiche announces her resignation as head football coach of Auburn University. “Let me say this. I’ve known a lot of drama in my life. Some people say that I bring a lot of drama with me. But I’ve never seen anything like the drama in the Auburn University Athletic Department. This place makes Real Housewives of Atlanta look like normal people. I’m outta here.”

October 20. Syracuse beats UNC 40-37 in overtime, dropping the Tar Heels to 1-5. When asked why he could not mimic the success of the UNC basketball program, Fedora responded, “If our players did not have to go to class, we could be successful, too.” Unranked Purdue edges No. 2 Ohio State 49-20, echoing the beat-down placed on the Buckeyes at Iowa last year.

October 27. Following a 59-10 home loss to Clemson, the worst in program history, Florida State Coach Willie Taggert was asked by Seminole beat reporter Stan Ketchum, 24, 5’-7”, 135 lbs, why his offense would not take the quick slant routes offered by relaxed coverages. Taggert leaned over and whispered to his offensive coordinator, “Hey, write that down.” North Texas defeats New Mexico State at home 27-20 for only their third win of the season. While this would have seemingly provided a golden opportunity for another New Mexico State opponent to tear down goalposts, alas, it did not happen. As a result, the only New Mexico State opponent to ever do so remains the University of South Carolina.

November 3. Auburn, finally unranked, receives a gift worthy of a UGA bowl opponent, when Texas A&M melts down in the fourth quarter. The 28-24 win sparked Auburn Athletic Puppet…err…Director Allen Green to offer its head coaching vacancy to Guz Malzhan. Auburn offered Malzhan a 75-year deal worth $2.3B. When reminded that Malzhan had never actually left the program following turmoil earlier in the year, Green confided, “that’s why we were able to offer such a good deal. We did not have to pay his moving expenses. You know, we’re really happy where we are as a program, but check back with me after lunch.”

November 10. Oklahoma, back to playing 7 on 7 opponents, outscores OK State 48-47.

November 24. After Ohio State thumped No 4 Michigan 62-39, Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh was asked to explain what happened. “I think it’s obvious,” Harbaugh lamented. “They (Ohio State) quit serving skim milk and went back to the good stuff (whole milk). We had a competitive advantage and I let that get away by running my mouth. That’s on me.”

November 26. The University of North Carolina once again names Mack Brown Head Coach of its football program. When asked about concerns over Brown’s age, UNC Athletic Director Bubba Cunningham said the school understood those concerns. “Please be aware,” Cunningham asserted, “that the school did try to reach out to a more seasoned coach, but #### Crum would not return our phone calls.”

December 1. Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban was moved to tears following a dramatic come-from-behind win against long-time former assistant and current UGA Coach Kirby Smart in the SEC Championship Game. “I’ve tried to keep my emotions in check for so long,” lamented Saban, “ but at some point you just have to let it out. All I ever wanted in my professional career was for my former assistants to be successful. I invest so much time in mentoring these guys, teaching them everything I know, how to manage players, how to manage games..”, his voice quivering. “And to have someone that I have spent countless hours watching film with…call a fake punt at mid-field with a quarterback lined up as blocker? It’s heartbreaking.”

December 3. Florida State Head Coach Willie Taggert announced that Seminole beat reporter Stan Ketchum, 24, 5’-7”, 135 lbs, has been named Offensive Coordinator, stating, “Stan’s knowledge of the game is obviously much more substantial than anyone I have ever worked with. We look forward to significant improvement under Stan’s leadership.”

December 4. Ohio State Head Coach Urban Meyer announces his resignation, stating, “I want to spend more time with my family.”

December 5. Florida State Head Coach Willie Taggart announces that the shake-up of his staff is complete with the hiring of Defensive Coordinator Shelley Meyer, wife of former Ohio State coach Urban Meyer, who unexpectedly became interested in the FSU job only hours earlier. “We knew we had to move fast,” explained Taggart. “Her knowledge of the game is far beyond anything we had on this staff.”

December 6. In a small booth at a Waffle House on the outskirts of Tallahassee, anonymous Auburn boosters meet with Shelley Meyer.

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A Brief History of the 2018 College Football Season

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