Pigskin Prophet - Week 9


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I really need a job. I do some football prognosticating {Crump pays me in Burger King coupons], I do handyman-type of stuff and I sell blood plasma. Not an easy way to make a living.

As a result, I decided to answer a classified ad earlier this week and barely made it back to the upstate in time to write this for my next round of coupons. The ad was asking for people to travel down to Gainesville, Fla., to pick up chicken parts from a massacre that happened in a swamp this past weekend.

I made the trip to Florida, and there were chicken parts everywhere – I picked up beaks, feet, feathers, car flags, Wal Mart shirts, legs, wings, thighs, a shredded No. 7 jersey and a partially-eaten visor that looked like it had been chomped on by a Gator.

But I am back…and it’s time for this week’s picks. And remember, it’s all in fun.

THURSDAY

CLEMSON AT WAKE FOREST - The Tigers put their sterling (1-9) record on ESPN Thursday night games on the line when they travel to Wake Forest, a major university that seems like it has less students than Dorman High School. The good news for Clemson is that Wake’s offense has been worse than Clemson’s defense, which has been pretty bad. The bad news is that Wake is just one of those places where Clemson seems to have its struggles. This one won’t be a struggle, for long….CLEMSON 45, WAKE FOREST 31

SATURDAY

TENNESSEE AT SOUTH CAROLINA - Tennessee’s Derek Dooley is in a race with Joker Phillips, John L. Smith and Gene Chizik for first in the SEC – first head coach to be fired. Dooley’s group got smacked around by Alabama last weekend, and this weekend they face a South Carolina team that has lost two straight away from the friendly environs of the Richland County Detention Center. The Ole Ball Coach has a new visor, but still has the same problems with his quarterbacks and the lack of any offensive production. The Chickens were Gator Bait last week, causing Steve Spurrier to edge a little bit closer to the beach. However, the chickens realize that those fifth place rings are still very much in play and give their best effort against the Vols. SCAR 20, TENNESSEE 13

MARYLAND AT BOSTON COLLEGE - Maryland’s quarterback situation is so bad that Boomer Esiason is coming out of retirement and trying to suit up for Randy Edsall. Danny O’Brien left for Wisconsin, C.J. Brown tore a knee ligament and then Perry Hills tore a knee ligament last week. Heck, Edsall had a receiver playing quarterback, following the lead of Virginia Tech head coach Frank Beamer, who has a tight end as his quarterback. Boston College is a train wreck this season, winning just one game, and the Eagles will most certainly look for a new head coach after the season. Tom Selleck hasn’t worked out, and word on the street is that Higgins is next in line. No matter who the coach is, this one will be boring. BOSTON COLLEGE 27, MARYLAND 26

UTAH ST. AT UTSA - WHO?????

OLE MISS AT ARKANSAS - The Ole Miss coaches have moved their offices from Mississippi to Loganville, Ga., to a portable at Grayson High School. No word on why, but each coach has been seen wearing a No. 1 jersey around town. The move hasn’t really affected their record – they are 4-3 and play in the SEC, so that is comparable to being 16-0 in the NFC East – but might need to concentrate on their opponent this week. John L. Smith has found some kind of Coaching Viagra at Arkansas – no, he still hasn’t hired the pig girl or a volleyball player – but he has won two straight games. This week, they get Ole Miss at Wal Mart field, and come away with the win, causing the Ole Miss coaches to scramble back to Grayson in a hurry….ARKANSAS 33, OLE MISS 28

COLORADO AT OREGON - How bad is Colorado this season? They would probably be the underdog if they played Kentucky. That’s how bad. Congrats, Buffs. This week you get one of college football’s most exciting teams in Oregon and their Donald Duck mascot. That annoying horn that goes off every time Oregon scores? It is gonna go off more than Steven Spurrier in a loss……OREGON 55, COLORADO 6

BRIGHAM YOUNG AT GEORGIA TECH -The Mormons take a mission to the deep south this week, taking on the ACC’s best coach [go ahead, ask him, ask Walt, ask the AJC] in Paul Johnson. The Ramblin Wreck got a new defensive coordinator over their bye week and they actually beat Boston College last week. Of course, everybody has beaten Boston College. The Mormons will wear their best suits and try and spread the good news, but Johnson and crew won’t be listening. Some people just don’t understand religion. GEORGIA TECH 30, BYU 27

N.C. STATE AT UNC - This the first meeting between the two programs since Wolfie fans found Julius Peppers’ outstanding academic record on the internet. Turns out, North Carolina players have gotten a LOT of things off the internet after it was revealed this week that one athlete was writing his papers based off the work of an 11-year old. It wasn’t noticed because it was the best academic work by a UNC athlete in 20 years. However, ACC Commissioner John Swofford has made a stand for all that is honorable and given UNC a “stern reprimand.” That will show ‘em John. Meanwhile, the Heels lost to Duke last week, and have to find a way to win this week against their rival. Maybe Larry Fedora will get another coach to write out his gameplan this week….RAMS 30, WOLVES 24

FLORIDA VS. GEORGIA -The Gators are still picking the chicken feathers out of their tooth when they kickoff against Georgia in the World’s Largest Cocktail Party (as you can tell, I’m not politically correct). Georgia had an outstanding win over Kentucky last week and jumped up in the BCS standings (how did that happen?), but will have a tougher time this week. No word on exactly how many players Mark Richt will have to suspend before the game, but they still have enough talent to hang with the Gators. This one is close. FLORIDA 21, GEORGIA 20

DUKE AT FLORIDA ST. - The Seminals have rebounded from their loss to N.C. State, a loss that effectively crippled the ACC and ended their national championship hopes. Duke is actually bowl eligible now, but has done so on the strength of wins over Florida International, Memphis and North Carolina Central – in other words, a far tougher out of conference schedule than FSU. Little Jimmy Dickens – I mean Jimbo Fisher, will still call befuddling plays, the defense will get all kinds of flags, and they will still win. By a lot. FSU 42, DUKE 13

NOTRE DAME AT OKLAHOMA -Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly takes a cue from Steve Spurrier and seemingly has a different quarterback each series. The Irish have played awful on offense, but have used the prayers of the faithful and a few questionable calls at home to remain undefeated. However, this week they travel down into the plains to take on a team that actually has a pulse on offense, and a real quarterback. Bye bye national ranking. Not even Touchdown Jesus can save you from the Sooners….OKLAHOMA 30, NOTRE DAME 17

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