Pigskin Prophet - Week 2


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Week one of the college football season was fun, but it wore me out. In fact, about halfway through the slate of games, I started to walk into the bedroom to get some rest, but the girlfriend waved me down in the middle of the living room floor where I waited for the trainers to attend to me.

All of the games were suspended while I caught my breath, but I managed to learn a little something during the games – if I get a little tired because I’m out of shape or I simply don’t want to work, I just need to claim that I had a tummy-ache and all is forgiven. Or, if I don’t do good work, claim after the fact that I had food poisoning.

Yep, if you look hard enough, you can learn all kinds of fun and unethical things from college football.

Now go lay down on the job and take a look at this week’s picks. And remember, it’s all in fun.

FRIDAY

WAKE FOREST AT BOSTON COLLEGE

I can only imagine that there might be as many as 30 or even 40 people at this game, and there might even be dozens more watching on television. This is a game that was sponsored by the ACC, hoping to get schools that nobody will watch on Saturday and put them on Friday. What they will find out is that no one will care on Friday, either. But I will take a page from the Boston College student newspaper, where they previewed this game and asked, “Is it hockey season yet?” BOSTON COLLEGE 27, WAKE FOREST 24

OKLAHOMA ST. AT UTSA

Wow!! My “Who????” team is all grown up, and they are hosting a ranked team in the Alamodome. Heck, I even like their logo, which kinda looks like what would happen if the Baltimore Ravens logo got hooked on meth and joined a gang. The Roadrunners keep it close early, but a little thing called talent takes over in the second quarter. And now, I have to find another “who” team. OKLAHOMA ST. 46, RAVENSONMETH 20

WESTERN KENTUCKY AT TENNESSEE

In case you missed it, the head coach at Western Kentucky is Bobby Petrino, who lost his last gig because he couldn’t keep that sweet young thang on the back of his bike. But college football is a mercenary sport, and he found another job because he can flat out coach. Last week, his Hilltoppers proved that they had SEC speed (hey, it’s a quantifiable measurement!!) when they went in and knocked off Kentucky. This week, they take on another great SEC squad (snicker, snicker) when they take on Tennessee, which might need to bring out the guns of the Volunteer Navy and load Daniel Boone’s long rifle in order to win. In the end, however, Tennessee coach Butch Jones figures out his best strategy, and parades a cheerleader on a bike behind the HIlltopper bench……………TENNESSEE 37, BABESONBIKES 23

WESTERN CAROLINA AT VIRGINIA TECH

The good news for Virginia Tech is that they have Logan Thomas, who completed a whopping five passes last week against Alabama. Five. In 26 attempts. Five. In 26 attempts. Meaning he missed on 21 attempts. Five. However, the NFL scouts [there were five] in attendance at the Georgia Dome all met in the pressbox after the game and agreed that he was definitely tall and sent him to top of their scouting boards, right behind Manute Bol. Five. This week, he might actually complete six or seven and some of them might actually be to his own players. Five. However, because he has such FANTASTIC arm strength (five out of five)and is so tall, I would advise that people who sit in the first FIVE rows at Virginia Tech not take any infants into the game. Five. VIRGINIA TECH 5, WESTERN CAROLINA 3


OREGON AT VIRGINIA

One of the ACC’s best programs (not really) will host Oregon, one of the nation’s best programs, this weekend. Honestly. First the ACC allows Tall Logan Thomas to play against Alabama, then the league makes two of its best programs (not really) play on a high school Friday night, then they allow Virginia to host Oregon. Wow. Just wow. OREGON 49, VIRGINA 24.

SAN DIEGO ST. AT OHIO ST.

Never let it be said that Ohio St. head coach Urban Meyer is afraid of a little tough completion. All you have to do is look at Ohio St.’s non-conference schedule, which includes Buffalo, San Diego St., California, Florida A&M and the Abner Creek Baptist Church Ladies Fellowship Bible Class. This week, they over-run another quality opponent. OHIO ST. 50, SDSU 20

SOUTH CAROLINA AT GEORGIA

This one is gonna be huge!!! I call it the Pepto Bismol Bowl, in honor of the fact that one of South Carolina’s players blamed his ummmm….lack of conditioning and oxygen….on a stomach ache. Immediately after Georgia lost last week, South Carolina fans took to the internet (yes, they have the internet in prison) to claim that the NCAA would immediately force Clemson to vacate the win because Georgia player’s had a bellyache. So, we have the Pepto Bismol Bowl!!!! What I can’t stomach is all the SEC hype. And you “herd” it here first, Georgia responds from its food poisoning quicker than someone who deals in Doo Doo. The Dawgs hoist the pink trophy in this one. GEORGIA 34, SOUTH CAROLINA 30

SAM HOUSTON ST. AT TEXAS A&M

In pregame warmups, Texas A&M shows the clip from the movie Jerry Maguire where Roderick McDowellRoderick McDowell
Gr. Running Back
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tells Jerry to “Show me the money!!”This gets Johnny Manziel so pumped up he signs three FREE autographs and then goes on to toss a bunch of touchdown passes. AUTOGRAPH CENTRAL 55, SAN JACINTO MEMORIAL COLLEGE 10

SOUTH CAROLINA ST. AT CLEMSON

Pay attention, folks, because I am going to give you some in-depth and comprehensive analysis on this game. And here it is…THE MARCHING 101 IS COMING TO DEATH VALLEY!!! DO NOT MISS THIS HALFTIME SHOW!! In the meantime, the band members still score a lot of points on Clemson’s defense, but still lose. CLEMSON 60, MARCHING 13

SE MISSOURI ST. AT OLE MISS

WHO??????????? I’m kidding of course. Poor SE Missouri St. can’t compete because they don’t have a university hospital to entice recruits. Ahem. Cough. Cough. OLE MISS 48, NO HOSPITAL 17

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Pigskin Prophet - Week 1


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