Pigskin Prophet - Week 1


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The Pigskin Prophet is back for season two.

Football is back and, unfortunately for all you readers, so am I.

That cheapskate Crump has told me still can’t afford to pay me in real money, but he has been going out to the Pickens flea market every Saturday and buying boiled peanuts, and he shipped about 15 soggy bags to my house last week. I think I want the Burger King coupons back.

However, a long and exciting football season beckons us, and I am allowed to attend some press conferences for the first time as a writer. I got a little 1-on-1 time with South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier this week, and even though he came into the interview room without a shirt or shoes, I did manage to ask some questions about his opener against North Carolina.

Here is an edited transcript:

Prophet: Coach, does the tempo of North Carolina’s offense worry you?

Steve Spurrier: Ask that coach at Clemson. I am sure he knows all about tempo.

Prophet: Bryn Renner is a very good quarterback….

Steve: I don’t worry about Tajh BoydTajh Boyd
RS Sr. Quarterback
#10 6-1, 225
Hampton, VA

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. He beat LSU but I don’t worry about him at all.

Prophet: Coach, I was actually asking about North Carolina……..

Steve Spurrier: I know!! They play Georgia this week.

Prophet: Back to North Carolina…….

Steve: Yeah, their coach talks about national championships.

Prophet: Coach, can we get back to North Carolina?

Steve Spurrier: Yes, we are the real Carolina. I don’t know what he meant by that. And I don’t tweet. I might twerk at practice, but I don’t tweet.

Prophet: Coach, what makes Jadeveon Clowney so special?

Steve Spurrier: Well, he is better than anybody at Clemson, I can tell you that.

Prophet: Is he the best athlete you’ve ever coached?

Steve Spurrier: I’ve never coached Dabo!! Quit asking about him!!!

Prophet: Coach, I didn’t mention Dabo. You did. I was asking about Clowney……

Steve Spurrier: He didn’t go to Clemson, so quit asking about them.

Prophet: How about them Tigers?

Steve Spurrier: Is that who we play this week? I thought it was Southern Cal…..the real USC?

As you can see, it was useless. He is all about Clemson, which isn’t surprising considering their message boards are the same way.

Anyway, on to this week’s picks. And remember, it’s all in fun.

THURSDAY

CAROLINA AT GAMECOCKS

North Carolina has gotten better under Larry The Hat Fedora, and Bryn Renner might be the second-best quarterback in the ACC. However, a big Thursday night at Willy-Brice and a darn good defensive line will cause all kinds of problems for Carolina. This one will be closer than many expect, but let’s be honest, the only true entertainment might be taking a sip of something delicious every time they show Clowney’s big hit on that defenseless Michigan player. Do that, and you won’t care about anything six minutes into the game. GAMECOCKS 30, CAROLINA 21.

OLE MISS AT VANDERBILT

This one is interesting, because the Vanderbilt parents who work at the hospital there are hosting all of the Ole Miss parents that work in the hospital down in Oxford. They might need six or seven rooms to host all of the lucky parents who have found jobs close to the programs…in the meantime, the team that has the backing of the Nigerian government just might pull off the win in Nashville. OLE MISS 30, VANDEBILT 27.

USC AT HAWAII

Congrats Lane Kiffin!!! Here is a game you might actually win. Enjoy your last season in Los Angeles, my friend. Just because your wife is hot doesn’t mean you can coach. Maybe you and your dad can stand in the unemployment line together after he continues to help the disintegration of the Dallas Cowboys. USC 42, HAWAII 10.

FRIDAY

FLORIDA ATLANTIC AT MIAMI (FL)

The Canes are the trendy pick to make a run in the ACC Coastal this year, and they prepare for the rigors of the Coastal Division by playing Florida Atlantic. Keep Nevin Shapiro and all of the hookers away from the players, and they might actually have a shot. But it’s Miami, so anything can happen. MIAMI 48, FAU 16

SATURDAY

ELON AT GEORGIA TECH

The Yellow Jackets begin their march to the national title – hey I listen to local radio – as the nation’s best head coach leads his troops against Elon. The Jackets will rush for over 400 yards and their defense will hold the opposition to under 300 total yards, a far cry from last season. This win inspires the masses, and almost 47 people buy tickets for the next week. GEORGIA TECH 55, ELON 10.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL AT MARYLAND

Look!! A game that Randy Edsall can actually win!! MARYLAND 38, FIU 10

WILLIAM & MARY AT WEST VIRGINIA

Hey, the Mountaineers may be missing Geno Smith and Tavon Austin, but they still have Dana Mullett’s hair, which is worth 10 points all on its own. Seriously, that man’s hair scares me. Hopefully, his hair gets nowhere near the ritual couch burning after the big win….WEST VIRGINIA 50, BILL AND THAT GIRL 13

RICE AT TEXAS A&M

This is the game to be at in the state of Texas. The first 25,000 fans through the gate get an autographed football signed by Johnny Manziel, as long as they give $200 to Johnny’s Foundation, which is run by Uncle Sam or something like that…..TEXAS A&M 48, RICE 21

NICHOLLS ST. AT OREGON

Oregon is a 59-point favorite. Seriously. Enjoy that payday. OREGON 70, PAYCHECKS 6

ALABAMA VS. VIRGINIA TECH

Alabama gets to see the ACC’s finest quarterback Saturday in the Georgia Dome. Seriously. They’ve never seen a quarterback as tall as Logan Thomas. Or one as bad. I wonder if the Hokie coaches have ever thought about moving him to tight end, or even defensive end and moving someone smaller – like some of their offensive linemen – to quarterback? It won’t matter. Tim Tebow is slightly more accurate than Thomas (snicker, snicker) and even he couldn’t beat Bama this year. ALABAMA 33, VIRGINIA TECH 14


UTSA AT NEW MEXICO

WHO??????????????????????

LSU VS. TCU

The bad boys of the bayou take on the Christians from Fort Worth. Les Miles – after LSU’s inexplicable and dumb playcalling in the bowl game – hired Cam Cameron to run the Tigers’ offense. Cameron is an excellent offensive coach, but Miles will make a stupid call or dumb decision about 10 times a game, negating LSU’s other-wordly talent. The talent wins out in this one. LSU 27, TCU 23

GEORGIA AT CLEMSON

The good news for Georgia is that their players have been on their best behavior this summer. The bad news is that 10 gun dealers have gone out of business and the City of Athens had to lay off 13 police officers. That also means bad news for Clemson’s secondary, which couldn’t cover a twin bed with a king size blanket last season. This one could be a shootout – which would seem to favor Georgia players (snicker, snicker) – but the Tigers win out at home despite the secondary. CLEMSON 39, GEORGIA 34.

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