Pigskin Prophet: The Legend of Bobby Petrino |
One day musicians will write songs, poets will write poems and authors will write books dedicated to the legend of Bobby Petrino.
The erstwhile volleyball camp follower was fired from his position as head football coach at Louisville after yet another brutal loss. Petrino played the system and as much fun as we make of ol’ Bobby, he played the system and is a big winner while the rest of us are just losers. The biggest losers? The University of Louisville, which I am sure is a fine university that handed out ridiculous contracts to con artists, crooks, and predators to coach their young people and are now paying multiplied millions of dollars for those people to do nothing except sit back and cash paychecks funded by the hard-working Cardinal supports. There is a punchline in there somewhere, but it’s just sad. The joke is on Louisville, while Bobby smiles his way to the bank. Dang Bobby, I’d wear a neck brace for $14 million. Poor Louisville Doerened all over themselves. Now on to some picks and happy news. SATURDAY DISCLAIMER: There won’t be many SEC teams picked this week. This is the week when the vaunted SEC plays their brethren from the FCS level, sometimes known as the SEC East. THE CITADEL AT ALABAMA Hey, they’re better than Kentucky and once beat South Carolina, the 1969 ACC Champions. This one won’t be close. ALABAMA 64, CITADEL 6 OHIO ST. AT MARYLAND Hey, at least one of these schools finally did the right thing…… OHIO ST. 34, MARYLAND 17 PITSBURGH AT WAKE FOREST One of these teams lost by 45 to Penn St. One of these teams lost by 31 to UCF. One of these teams lost by 3 to an abysmal North Carolina team. A win over Wake Forest puts that team in the ACC Championship Game. Pitt has been playing better of late, but they haven’t really beaten anyone of consequence this season, and when they beat Wake Forest they still won’t have beaten anyone of any consequence. They might run for 400 yards, however. PITT 41, WEAK 19 MIDDLE TENNESSEE AT KENTUCKY Hey, didn’t you used to be Kentucky’s SEC East hopes? KENTUCKY 9, MTSU 7 NC STATE AT LOUISVILLE Ah, the aforementioned Louisville Cardinals. They are coached by Lorenzo “Whammy” Ward, who once helped Steve Spurrier destroy the pitiful remnants of the South Carolina football program. They get the Fightin’ Doerens this week, a Wolfpack team that was once 5-0 and threatening to knock off Clemson for ACC Atlantic Supremacy. Instead, they’ve Doerened all over themselves and had it run down their legs, causing Doerening to enter the urban dictionary as a metaphor for crapping your pants. Something has to give this week, and as always it will be something coached by Whammy. NC STATE 45, LOUISVILLE 20 SYRACUSE AT NOTRE DAME The Orange take their highwire act to Yankee Stadium to take on the Fightin’ Irish. The Irish are undefeated and chasing a spot in the College Football Playoff, and have just two more games to win and impress the committee. They don’t want to Doeren down their legs and miss this golden opportunity but the Fightin’ Citrus have some teeth this season. This one should be wild and frantic and fun and go down to the wire. The Catholics win by a prayer, spitting out Orange seeds as they finish their Hail Mary’s. NOTRE DAME 34, ORANGE 27 WEST VIRGINIA AT OKLAHOMA ST. Mike Gundy has been known to go on a rant or two, and a few weeks ago he went on a rant about social media destroying our country. Look, I can’t argue with him there, but what’s really destroying things around his program is his defense. This week, they get another big time offense from the hills of West Virginia. The Neers are deadly when they aren’t burning couches and marrying their cousins, and the poor Cowboys will be done in by the Hillbillies. COUCHES 48, COWBOYS 34 BOSTON COLLEGE AT FLORIDA ST. Here’s how bad things are Florida St. – the Seminoles have to win their last two games to be bowl eligible, and they have to play Boston College and Florida. In other words, the bowl streak is over. Florida is hot garbage but rises in the CFP rankings even when they lose (hello, SEC) but will still beat Florida St. As for this week, the Noles actually have a chance because Boston College will likely be without a healthy quarterback and running back. Nah, I was kidding, they don’t have a chance and will Doeren all over the place. BOSTON COLLEGE 22, FSU 16 MIAMI VIRGINIA TECH Ah, hello Mark Richt, we knew your subpar coaching ability would show up sooner rather than later. The Hurricanes entered the season as a favorite in the ACC, but quickly turned into a pumpkin as the games were actually played. Last week, the Hurricanes decided to meet the Georgia Tech players as the Jackets ran out onto the field, then ran into a crowd of students to try intimidate a bunch of nerds. Yeah, you're big and bad, you scared the poor Computer Engineering major with your bad self. You’re just lucky she didn’t have her slide rule with her. Then what happened? They Doerened all over the place and got beat. Again. The good news is that Virginia Tech is awful. MIAMI 23, VT 13 DUKE AT CLEMSON The Blue Devils leave the comforting, high school-sized confines of Wallace Wade Outdoor Stadium and travel to Clemson for a night game in Death Valley. The Brotherhood’s ability to recruit hasn’t quite reached the Duke football team – adidas accountants don’t care about football – but David Cutcliffe does a good job with what he has and is actually an ACC coach worth a hoot. The Blue Devil passing attack will have some success against Clemson, but the inability to run the football will eventually begin to tell and not even prayers in Zion – or to adidas accountants – will help. CLEMSON 40, DUKE 13 SISTER BUELAH BALLBRICKERS WOMEN’S AUXILLIARY AT SOUTH CAROLINA The Gamecocks really want to go bowling and they’ve arranged for some winnable games at the end of the season. Little Jake – who should still be in the Primary Sunday School Class – takes a step up this week to take on the adults’ sanctuary class of Pisgah Baptist Church. Don’t sleep on the old ladies – the Gamecock defense couldn’t stop a paper bag from getting wet in the desert. Sister Margaret can run in her sensible Velcro tennis shoes, and she’ll have 200 yards by halftime. However, age will begin to show and the Gamecocks will begin to pull away in the second half. SOUTH CAROLINA 40, OLD LADIES 19
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