|by TigerNet Staff|
No, I can’t survive on the Burger King coupons that Crump and BMeist use to pay me, and I’m sure you’ve been following my exploits as I look for work each and every week.
This week, however, I’ve hit the jackpot. A friend of mine owns a company that makes those little candles and the holders like you use during church and candlelight vigils, and he went from selling a few thousand a year to now selling millions.
What happened? Well, from what I understand, if a college football player gets hurt, it is now the tradition to close the school down for a day, name a day in his honor, bring him all kinds of gifts and then stand around at night with candles looking at a wall with the players’ pictures on it, complete with flowers. The key, however, is to keep the idiotic head coach from saying anything and reminding everyone that Billy Bob Thomas merely has a sprained ankle and hasn’t passed on.
Just yesterday at the University of Colorado, one of the Buffs’ backup safeties burned his finger while rolling a joint [it’s legal out there now] and next thing you know he was carried out in the streets, deposited on a stretcher and people laid flowers at his feet while the Pig Girl from Arkansas feverishly tried to find a song that had the word Buffalo in it. We sent 40,000 candles to Colorado, even though most students just tried to smoke them,
Two days ago, a junior college player out of the state of Mississippi was hit in the head by a flying brick [he was protesting the election, even though he was just 19 and therefore unable to vote according to one head coach], causing the governor of that fair state to call for a state holiday and we have shipped 80,000 candles to them.
But I digress, it’s time for some picks, because there are a few big games this weekend. And remember, it is all in fun.
FLORIDA ST. AT VIRGINIA TECH
Little Jimbo Fisher takes his warm weather Seminoles to the mountains of Virginia Thursday night, where they’ll get a chilly reception from the Hokies. It has been a season to forget in Blacksburg, where the experiment of turning a tight end into a quarterback hasn’t quite worked out. The biggest win for Tech this season has been the win over the Pickens First Baptist Church Ladies Bible Class, even though Sister Sadie Mae Dinkins threw for over 400 yards. The Seminoles, however, aren’t used to the cold, and this one might start to look like the N.C. State debacle after a while, especially when ESPN cameras pan down the sideline and find Heather Dinich calling Tech’s offensive plays while wearing a Logan Thomas jersey. It all goes south for the Hokies after the half, however, when Thomas [yes, he is tall] is seen warming up with the FSU players. His reason? He just feels more comfortable throwing to the players with the other jerseys. FSU 30, VIRGINIA TECH 17
MARYLAND AT CLEMSON
The Terrapins take a page out of Frank Beamer’s book and start a linebacker at quarterback this weekend against the Tigers, immediately jumping him into first place on the ACC Heisman list [He’s so strong!!] However, the Terps are starting Shawn Petty because somewhere, former head coach Ralph Friedgen is sitting down and holding a sammich in one hand and voodoo dolls made to look like Maryland quarterbacks in the other. Every time a Terp quarterback makes a good play, ole Ralph laughs maniacally and sticks a needle into the doll’s knee. This one wouldn’t matter anyway. CLEMSON 45, MARYLAND 10
ARKANSAS AT SOUTH CAROLINA
This one is the battle for barnyard supremacy. The winner gets to crow – or snort – about being fifth or sixth best in the SEC and the fans say yes, we would RATHER go to the Poulan Weedwhacker Bowl in Paducah on Christmas Eve than a BCS Bowl, because we are in the SEC. This game, however, gets a little weird at the beginning when the Pig Girl shows up at midfield wearing her pig costume with the added touch of feathers. She grabs the microphone during the pregame ceremonies and starts to sing to “wounded players everywhere” but can’t complete the song because Cocky comes out of his egg and tries to, well, you know. In the meantime, the game is played and Connor Shaw goes down with a shoulder injury in the second quarter, and we sell more candles as the game is stopped and a funeral is held. SOUTH CAROLINA 28, ARKANSAS 24
MIAMI (FL) AT VIRIGNIA
Miami will bring 47 fans to this game – 22 more than showed up at the Canes’ last home game – and still outnumber Virginia fans. However, the Canes still have something to play for, and want to win all they can before ACC Commissioner John Swofford gives them a “stern reprimand” and sits them in the corner. MIAMI 30, VIRIGNIA 24
MISSOURI AT TENNESSEE
Here we have two SEC powers (snicker, snicker) at their best. Missouri is still winless while playing old man football, and it appears that Kevin Steele is now the defensive coordinator at Tennessee. Missouri struggles to score touchdowns in league play, while Tennessee can’t stop anyone. This one should be wild, as Derek Dooley pulls out all the stops in trying to get his first league win this season. At the end of the game, the fans chant “SEC, SEC” and watch the Alabama game on the big screen. TENNESSEE 35, MISSOURI 31
GEORGIA TECH AT NORTH CAROLINA
Some media pundits [ok, just one] said before the season started that Georgia Tech could win the conference, and he was right – the Jackets would definitely have a shot to finish in the top three in the Southern Conference. The Jackets are scrambling to earn enough wins to play someone in the Poulan Weedwhacker Carquest MetLife Bowl in Paducah, and North Carolina isn’t bowl eligible because of academic fraud. Tech head coach Paul Johnson knows he needs a win so he can pull in another top 80 recruiting class, while UNC knows each game is the only bowl they will go to. UNC 35, TECH 27
COLORADO AT ARIZONA
Colorado’s team doesn’t make it through airport security [snicker, snicker] and the Buffs combines two fraternity flag football teams and send them to Arizona, where they actually do better than the real players would have. ARIZONA 50, COLORADO 10
WAKE FOREST AT N.C. STATE
The Most Boring Coach in America – Tom O’Brien – finishes out his last days in Raleigh. O’Brien is kind of like that girl that stars in the Twilight movies in that neither one is capable of showing any emotion, even though he ALMOST frowned during a candlelight vigil last week for quarterback Mike Glennon, who had an ingrown toenail. He gets a win this week. NC STATE 27, WAKE FOREST 21
TEXAS A&M AT ALABAMA
The Tide keep rolling, but this week face a tough test in Johnny Football and the Aggies. The big test for the Aggies will be keeping their mascot – the dog Reveille – away from Harvey Updyke and keeping Johnny Football away from the Bama defensive line. This one might be closer than people think. ALABAMA 24, TEXAS A&M 20
MCNEESE ST. AT UTSA
Who????NOTRE DAME AT BOSTON COLLEGE
The battle of the Catholics commences this week as Tom Selleck unsuccessfully tries to keep his job and the Fighting Irish try to keep their BCS hopes alive. Boston College has had a disaster of a season, and for those wanting to attend, a candlelight vigil will be held after the game near the Matt Ryan plaque. NOTRE DAME 34, BOSTON COLLEGE 10
GEORGIA AT AUBURN
Building a Chick-fil-A on campus with the funds saved after Cam Newton’s salary went off the books hasn’t worked out the way Gene Chizik would have like, and the Tigers are suffering through a dreadful season that have many wondering whether Chizik will be standing in line at the employment office with Joker Phillips, Tom Selleck and Kristen Stewart, err, Tom O’Brien. Chizik tries to save the day with his new slogan, “When it rains, it pours.” The players don’t understand and hold a candlelight vigil for Chizik. GEORGIA 35, AUBURN 20
TigerNet Staff can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org