I just applied for the coot job. My letter is below. (long)

Dec 1, 2015, 2:55 PM

Mr. Ray Tanner
Athletic Director
University of South Carolina
Rice Athletics Center
1304 Heyward Street
Columbia, SC 29208

December 1, 2015
Dear Director Tanner,
Please consider this letter as an application for the vacant head football coach position. After reviewing the past performances of your previous coaches, I believe that I am uniquely qualified to serve in that capacity. After viewing some of these qualities below, I am sure that you and the search committee will agree with me.

I am a youth football legend. In the Aiken County rec league in the 1971 season, I was an invaluable member of a team that was loaded with talent like: Robert Williams, WR, RB, Rodney Ready, QB, DE, Charles Parker, LB, WR and myself, RB, QB, Wing, S, and Return Man. As a defender, I was in on several tackles and had 2 interceptions. In addition, I returned 1 kickoff for a touchdown (they called me CJ, prophetic, I guess) as well as 2 punts. I also recovered several fumbles (of my own making).

As a member of my school’s JV team, I played dozens of downs at quarterback and even had a play at punter. I witnessed lots of touchdowns and exceptional runs, passes and tackles.
I college, I was a standout in intramural flag football, seeing the field on defense and offense (my dorm was across the street, so I had a good view).

I just dropped the letter in the box.

That experience led to being offered a coaching job for the Open Arms Personal Care Home FB squad. We were known as the Walker Brigade (we were so famous some guy named Monty from England made a short film about us). While there, we broke lots of records as well as cd’s, vases and hips. As you might imagine, we have had quite a number significant wins that we called tombstone games.

In addition, my volunteer time has been spent coaching the Lula Mae Hopkins Bible class from Beulah Heights Baptist Church in Lower Ashland as well as landmark wins over legendary programs like Asbury Methodist’s Wednesday night supper team, Lifeway Baptist’s all youth squad and the Ferndale AME Discipleship class.

For the past several seasons, I have honed my coaching skills on X-Box 360. I have guided my team (Clemson) to 5 straight NCAA Championships. I have a very eclectic mix of plays and my teams have become offensive juggernauts rolling up tens of thousands of yards and thousands of points. Moreover, my defenses are a virtual wall, giving up less than 10 points per contest.
I know that managing a major NCAA program is more than just wins and losses, successful programs are built around recruiting. Well, Mr. Tanner, REST EASY! My X-box recruiting has been ranked #1 the last 5 seasons. That, my friend is how champions are built.

I know that I am more than qualified, and after reading the information above, I’m sure you agree.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best regards,