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All-In [28802]
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Most who stay in unhappy marriages end up happy later on
Feb 13, 2017, 2:50 PM
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http://www.marriagefoundation.org.uk/stay-together-unhappy-marriage/
This week, Marriage Foundation published a report by me and Professor Steve McKay at University of Lincoln that looked at what happens to unhappy couples. It was reported in the Telegraph, Times and Mail, among others.
From a Millennium Cohort Study sample of some 10,000 mothers who had babies in the year 2000 or 2001, we found that some 5% were unhappy in their relationship soon after the baby was born. Just under a third of these then split up. Of the majority who stayed together, only 7% (of the 5%, so that’s 0.3% of the total sample) were still unhappy by the time their child was aged eleven, whereas 68% said they were now happy.
American studies mirror our findings. A 2002 study found that two thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together.
In other words, most people who are unhappily married – or cohabiting – end up happy if they stick at it. Like Kate and I, they find ways through.
Our study shows that:
Unhappiness is, thankfully, much rarer than people imagine. It affects just one in twenty parents with newborns.
Unhappiness is usually temporary. Staying unhappy is incredibly rare. Just one in every 400 parents in the entire study was unhappy at both time points, soon after their child was born and then again when their child was eleven.
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All-In [42197]
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Follow my wife's advice.
Feb 13, 2017, 2:53 PM
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Marry an awesome dude from the beginning.
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Heisman Winner [137988]
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All the good guys are taken,
Feb 13, 2017, 3:04 PM
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so this doesn't help me much.
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Lot o points [155978]
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Heisman Winner [137988]
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I had to go look up biagmous.
Feb 13, 2017, 3:07 PM
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Then I figured out what you fatfingered.
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Lot o points [155978]
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let me just break it down for the slow ones.
Feb 13, 2017, 3:10 PM
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See, bigamous means having more than one spouse.
Since cata said something about his wife marrying an awesome guy, I implied with my joke that she must have more than one husband, since he wasn't awesome.
I've found that the jokes you have to explain are usually the funniest.
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Heisman Winner [137988]
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But you didn't type bigamous.
Feb 13, 2017, 3:12 PM
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I know what that word is, you dyslexic odeb.
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Lot o points [155978]
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son offa..........stupid typo.***
Feb 13, 2017, 3:13 PM
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All-In [42197]
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All-In [42197]
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All-In [31908]
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Many important lessons are learned by doing the opposite***
Feb 13, 2017, 5:43 PM
[ in reply to Follow my wife's advice. ] |
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Heisman Winner [112363]
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All-In [47799]
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you worked on this study?***
Feb 13, 2017, 2:54 PM
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All-In [34113]
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Most who don't stay in unhappy marriages also end up happy.
Feb 13, 2017, 2:55 PM
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Or at least that's my experience.
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All-In [28802]
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They addressed that
Feb 13, 2017, 3:59 PM
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Apparently the results are about the same for couples who divorced.
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All-In [34113]
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Woohoo!***
Feb 14, 2017, 7:02 AM
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All-In [49058]
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So maybe the study has just shown that most people are
Feb 14, 2017, 9:24 AM
[ in reply to They addressed that ] |
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happy at some point later in life after they were sad.
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All-In [29036]
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You can ask my ex-wife
Feb 13, 2017, 2:58 PM
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She was unhappy and seems happier now (if rumors are to be believed, and judging by her recent marriage to the dude she was sure was the "one" while we were married).
I know I am happier now, with this new family.
Never wanted out of the previous marriage, but can't say I'm not happier now.
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Lot o points [155978]
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I think the point is, for marriages that stay together, or
Feb 13, 2017, 3:08 PM
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split, there are going to be periods that just suck. What I hate to see are people who are convinced that everything is supposed to be perfectly wonderful forever, and pull the plug when the first sucky period comes along. I saw probably 50% of my friends that got married young (mid-20's) go through this.
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All-In [29036]
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No doubt
Feb 13, 2017, 3:13 PM
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I'm not advocating for divorce, and certainly not advocating for divorce at the first onset of adversity.
I was committed to working it out.
The thing is, though, that once she chose to leave, I can honestly say I am happier with the outcome than I was previously.
It's a strange thing to think that the thing you fought hard against actually made your life better. Maybe it simple grace that allowed my life to turn as it did, but it's strange nonetheless.
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All-In [49058]
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I can say that I stuck through several unhappy periods
Feb 13, 2017, 3:10 PM
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until the last one, when I finally called it quits, and I am so much happier now that it's probably not fair to the rest of the world that I am sucking up all the happy.
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Lot o points [155978]
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No, I agree, there are major things that almost demand a
Feb 13, 2017, 3:12 PM
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split.
Like if my wife couldn't drive a manual transmission or something terrible like that.
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Oculus Spirit [79429]
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There's a chick I went to high school with who posted a for
Feb 13, 2017, 3:15 PM
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sale add for her fiance's M5, then not too much longer after that posted looking for a wedding planner, preferably under $6k. I wonder how many "rough patches" it's going to take before he figures it out?
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CU Medallion [56106]
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Should you stay together in an unhappy marriage?
Feb 13, 2017, 3:22 PM
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Yes!
Signed,
The Marriage Foundation
In a related story...
Should you get a beer tonight?
Yes!
Signed,
The Sierra Nevada Brewing Company
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All-In [34113]
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Just what are you implying about camcgee's source, sir?***
Feb 13, 2017, 3:28 PM
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CU Medallion [50635]
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dead***
Feb 13, 2017, 3:34 PM
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Oculus Spirit [97756]
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They keep talking about kids like they are the reason for
Feb 13, 2017, 3:48 PM
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the unhappiness. In reality kids are one of the main reasons people stay in unhappy marriages (assuming they don't fight, etc.). I would bet if you looked at all these post-kids unhappy marriages, you'd find most were unhappy BEFORE the kids were born.
Oh, they also neglected to address the impact postpartum depression MIGHT have on the situation.
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Legend [17918]
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Why trade problems with someone else?
Feb 13, 2017, 5:20 PM
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Except n case of emergency, of course!
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Hall of Famer [21614]
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So surviving = gradually increased levels of happiness.***
Feb 13, 2017, 5:41 PM
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Oculus Spirit [93687]
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No,
Feb 13, 2017, 7:31 PM
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some partners realize they are most of the problem while some realize that's as good as it's going to get. Complaining makes you look as bad as the one you're complaining about.
As people get older they are much more aware that every story has two sides. When you start facing that reality you may begin to judge yourself by that standard.
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Oculus Spirit [93687]
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The only thing worse than an unhappy marriage is...
Feb 13, 2017, 7:28 PM
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a divorce especially if the couple has kids.
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Hall of Famer [21614]
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Unless one has been divorced and regrets it, one couldn't
Feb 13, 2017, 10:54 PM
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possibly have a valuable perspective on the issue.
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All-In [28802]
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Call me unromantic, but...
Feb 14, 2017, 1:18 AM
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that seems like pretty much the opposite of scientific evidence.
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Hall of Famer [21614]
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Observation is unscientific? Oh***
Feb 14, 2017, 9:20 AM
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Oculus Spirit [93687]
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I think a deeper study would reveal that...
Feb 14, 2017, 9:40 AM
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some couples break up because they are trying to correct a 'mistake.'
Some stay together for the kids.
Some separate to protect the kids.
I allowed my ex to divorce me uncontested because of the kids. When things got bad she pounded on the children to have them side with her. I refused to involve them in our problems when I realized it was damaging them.
Imo, when you say 'I do,' you are bound to the other for life. In honor of that commitment God honors your pledge and give His blessings whether He approved the joining before the commitment or not. I do not and never have attempted to exonerated myself from the lead role in preserving my marriage. I make it 29.75 years with a succubus but in the end I failed.
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Hall of Famer [21614]
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You are basing your opinion on faith. That's a bad idea.
Feb 14, 2017, 9:51 AM
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Some people are happier after divorce. You can't always bend reality to fit the beliefs you were raised with.
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Oculus Spirit [93687]
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The just live by faith.
Feb 14, 2017, 10:03 AM
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What more or less can a man do? You base your opinion on what the two of you want. Who sacrificed? Both, because you broke vows to each other. Do you go around making promises you don't keep. Does she?
If you broke the promise to one woman and she broke the promise to you what make you confident you'll ever be able keep a promise again. That's rhetorical.
Marriage has been turned into a legal contract. There are three ways for a contract to be terminated. One is to amend the contract, another is to agree to end the contract while the last is to fulfill it.
Marriage isn't a contract, it's a marriage.
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Oculus Spirit [93687]
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Yeah, cam. I understand the confidence in science.
Feb 14, 2017, 9:45 AM
[ in reply to Call me unromantic, but... ] |
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Stats will never tell the horrors of divorce. You can read all about what science says about having cancer and spend months or years doing research. Or, you can just go talk to a cancer sufferer in the last days of losing life to cancer.
You can read about how bad heroin is in a book or on the internet or you can just go downtown and talk to a junkie for a couple hours. Same with alcoholism or any other sufferings of man.
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Hall of Famer [21614]
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Ok now THIS is the opposite of science.***
Feb 14, 2017, 9:48 AM
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Oculus Spirit [93687]
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So you can open a book and get the full measure of...
Feb 14, 2017, 10:06 AM
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understanding about divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction? Yeah, I don't think so.
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Hall of Famer [21614]
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Who said anything about a book?
Feb 14, 2017, 1:26 PM
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I'm talking about experience.
By the way, doesn't a book inform you on all your opinions?
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110%er [9174]
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Drop the mic...
Feb 13, 2017, 11:11 PM
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-Doc
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Orange Blooded [2053]
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Why are you posting pics of your cleaning lady?***
Feb 14, 2017, 1:24 PM
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1st Rounder [616]
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Re: Most who stay in unhappy marriages end up happy later on
Feb 13, 2017, 11:15 PM
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This makes sense to me. There were times when marriage just seemed too difficult, but I stuck with it. I'm glad I did. And having small kids can be fun but it's a ton of work.
Stick it out if you can. If you can't then sing the Paul Simon song and never look back.
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Oculus Spirit [81078]
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This reminds me of a woman I heard at a bar the other day.
Feb 13, 2017, 11:48 PM
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She was talking to some guy I think she didn't know, and all I heard was her proudly say "I got the house in the divorce, and didn't do anything to get it!"
My wife heard it too, and immediately sarcastically said "Well..that's sure to make you more marketable."
I got a pretty big laugh out of that.
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110%er [7013]
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I tried this routine 5 years ago.
Feb 14, 2017, 8:31 AM
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Did not work.
Still married and unhappy. Great kids though.
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