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CU Medallion [64837]
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I have pigs.
Jun 28, 2017, 1:14 PM
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So you may or may not remember the hot busty chick that I posted yesterday that was selling a homemade tank top. I also mentioned that I found a woman who was giving away pigs. The pig woman called me back and had 4 available for me to pick up after work.
I have never had pigs, but we do have chickens. My house and land was once a working farm, so I have the facilities and space for pigs. I am not one to turn down anything free, and I am up for an adventure, so I said, "hell yes". (It also was a way to stick it to the wife for the Massage-Envy Debacle of '17.)
So after work, I swing by Lowe's and grab a sheet of plywood and some 1x4 (actual measurement was substantially less than 1" and 4"). I had three ratchet straps already in the truck. I fashioned this into a formidable pin for transportation. Total cost was around $15.
I show up to "Kimmy's" "house" about 20 minutes early. Allow me to set the scene: Old single-wide trailer in Gaston Multiple old sinks, tubs, toilets in the front yard Piles of bricks, old lumber, old sheet metal laying around in the front yard. The trailer and "backyard" is wrapped with many various types of steel fencing. There is a donkey and half a dozen dogs raising hell. There is a full grown milk cow laying on her back steps. Maybe 60 or so chickens running around. The remnants of her 90+ pigs raising hell. The place smells horrible. She later explains that the smell is from a few hogs that she butchered a few weeks ago. She left the remnants on the ground because "maggots make great protein for chickens".
"Kimmy" shows up and tells me that my truck is too small (Dodge Dakota) and I'm too small (6', 210lb) to load these hogs (4 at 80-120lb each). I tell her that I got this sh*t. She goes inside to change out of her work clothes. As she is walking in, a dude on a motorcycle rolls up. She says, "oh, that's just "Gerald"" and walks off. She doesn't tell "Gerald" who I am. I got a bit nervous that "Gerald" may think that I was nailing his old lady or something... Not to worry, "Gerald" is a friendly dude. We shake hands and make small talk. He tells me that he also has to go inside and put on some "nasty clothes". This guy wasn't exactly dressed to the 9's, but who am I to judge.
20 minutes go by and they both emerge from the trailer... wearing the same clothes. Their energy level appears to be much higher, a likely side-effect to whatever drug they were using.
We jump in the pen and wrestle these pigs down. Then we throw them into my truck. One gets out and runs off across the lady's yard. She thoroughly cusses me out because of my "f*cked up tailgate" that wouldn't close. "Kimmy" and "Gerald" get into an argument about how to properly treat their guests. "Gerald" mentions that they're getting divorced - I never realized that they were married...
Anyways, I get three of the pigs loaded and haul ### before anything bad happens. When I get to my truck, I realize that my wife has been blowing up my phone wondering why I am late for "date night". I had told her that I was bringing home a surprise - she is convinced that it is a new car. After I didn't answer my phone for an hour, she tracks my iphone to a trailer park in Gaston. Rightfully so, she is angry and scared.
On the way home, I found a busted watermelon in the road. I stopped and gave it to the pigs. They seemed to enjoy it. Other than that, the drive home was pleasant. The wife kept calling me asking me what the surprise was - I wouldn't tell her.
I pull up in the driveway with the wife standing in the yard. She had some choice words for me, but agreed to help me get them out of the truck and into the pen. This was an ordeal in its self, but it is sufficient to say that we cussed each other out, pigs nearly escaped, but ultimately I was able to get them into the dog pen.
Now I am on a quest to find cheap/free food for these girls and get a proper pen built a good distance from my house.
Here's a picture of them as proof.
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Heisman Winner [106097]
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I heart this.***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:19 PM
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Oculus Spirit [78876]
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Hey man, how about cutting your grass?***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:20 PM
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Heisman Winner [106097]
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MAYBE HE IS GOING TO GET SOME GOATS SOON***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:21 PM
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: MAYBE HE IS GOING TO GET SOME GOATS SOON***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:24 PM
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My wife posted on facebook that I was in Gaston picking up a surpirse. She offered $20 to anybody that guessed the surprise correctly. Nobody did, but one of my coworkers guessed "goats". He was the closest.
Out of the 60 or 70 folks that guessed, most were "fixer-upper car", "meth", "dog", "chickens". I'm glad that my wife's friends think that I would buy meth as a surprise...
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: Hey man, how about cutting your grass?***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:22 PM
[ in reply to Hey man, how about cutting your grass?*** ] |
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That's what the pigs are for.
Actually that was inside the dog pen, usually she keeps the grass/weeds beat down, but we haven't had her out there in a while.
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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I have trouble believing this because
Jun 28, 2017, 1:23 PM
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1) Date night. I mean lutz that's not even a thing. 2) Kimmy was wearing work cloths. Judging by the description of the scenery, she couldn't have a job. 3) On that picture of the pigs, you don't have a mustache, and your profile pic does.
FAKE NEWS
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: I have trouble believing this because
Jun 28, 2017, 1:26 PM
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1) Date night. I mean lutz that's not even a thing. - Wife's brother plays guitar at a local bar on Tuesday nights. We were going to here him play and drink a few beers. 2) Kimmy was wearing work cloths. Judging by the description of the scenery, she couldn't have a job. - This also blew me away. She's a real-estate agent. Don't ask me how. I never in a million years would have guessed that. Apparently she got "real big into the whole homesteading thing" a few years ago and it just got out of control. 3) On that picture of the pigs, you don't have a mustache, and your profile pic does. - Do you have a Clemson logo tattooed on the side of you head IRL?
FAKE NEWS
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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No I don't
Jun 28, 2017, 1:32 PM
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I have a Jounge logo tatooed on the side of my head. That's me in the pic.
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Oculus Spirit [79546]
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These are the type of real life stories that make the lunge
Jun 28, 2017, 1:25 PM
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great. It brings all elements of a good story together, trashy people, drugs, standing up to your wife.....Thumps up man, thumps up. My wife dad has hogs, and about the only thing I can tell you is that your clothes will smell like them if you're around them more than like 5-10 minutes.
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110%er [5323]
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So how do you plan on slaughtering them before you eat them?***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:30 PM
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CU Medallion [64837]
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.22lr to the head, cut the throat
Jun 28, 2017, 1:32 PM
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Then hang them and dress out similarly to a deer. I ain't skeered, but the wife is skeptical. She says that she won't help. She hasn't ever helped clean deer before either, so no big deal.
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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These look domesticated so that might work, however
Jun 28, 2017, 1:34 PM
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Cousin of mine once caught a trio of wild hogs in a bear trap. They were probably a little bigger than the ones in your pic. We gave him 2 22's right to the 4head did not dead very quickly. It probably took like 45 minutes to dead.
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All-TigerNet [12098]
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110%er [8243]
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Hey, that is the processor I used!
Jun 28, 2017, 1:57 PM
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Don't care how they did it, it was alive when I got there, and dead when I came back. We good.
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: Just know that pigs scream like a human
Jun 28, 2017, 1:59 PM
[ in reply to Just know that pigs scream like a human ] |
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It was un-freakin-real how loud and human-like their scream is.
I warned the wife when I went to grab them out of the truck. I said "sh*t is gonna get REAL when I grab this leg, just lay across the plywood and dont let them jump out." She said, "yea, whatever it'll be fine." I said, "NO, you don't understand. It's about to get RE-AL." Anyway, when I grabbed those legs, the pigs started squealing, the wife fell off of the truck and I had to dive on the pigs to keep them in the truck. Wife freaks out. We cuss each other out. The we man-the-EFF-up and get it done.
That scream was so loud and intense that my neighbors (that I have only talked to once in 2 years) walked over to see ### was going on.
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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Heisman Winner [136070]
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Makes me LOLUTZ at the memory.
Jun 28, 2017, 2:21 PM
[ in reply to .22lr to the head, cut the throat ] |
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We used to have a pig roast/snot-sling throw-down at our farm in RH a couple of times a year back in the day. One of our parties back in the late 80s, we went and got a live hog from a farmer we were all friends with, and proceeded to take it to my brother in-law's cabinet shop to kill it and dress it. Got the hog out of the truck, and one of my best pals that worked for Bro in-law at the time decided he wanted to pull the trigger on it. I gave him my .22 wheel gun, and then the shakiest gun in the west proceeds to pop a round into the hog but didn't get it clean. The hog takes off, 265 pound Bro in-law jumps on the hog's back, and wounded hog proceeds to carry Bro in-law for about 75 yards before he can wrestle it down. I grab the revolver, stick it under Bro in-law's armpit, pop a cap in the hog and he drops like a rock. That story comes up at nearly every family gathering.
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CU Guru [1338]
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Which one is actual footage?
Jun 28, 2017, 2:38 PM
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or
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Heisman Winner [136070]
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It wasn't winter, and it wasn't Mexico.
Jun 28, 2017, 2:41 PM
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So, neither.
But close. VERY close.
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Oculus Spirit [78876]
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Can we get a height/weight on Kimmy?***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:33 PM
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Heisman Winner [106097]
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You edging too?***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:33 PM
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Oculus Spirit [78876]
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it's going to be voluminous.***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:36 PM
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CU Medallion [64837]
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She was a sturdy gal, but not fat. Curvy in the right places
Jun 28, 2017, 1:52 PM
[ in reply to Can we get a height/weight on Kimmy?*** ] |
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Maybe upper 30's or low 40's. Not too bad, if I may be honest. If I saw her out in public with a little bit of makeup, I may say, "hmmm not bad". However, hearing her talk and seeing her domicile, that was a solid N-O.
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110%er [8243]
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I raised a pig a few years ago for cookin.
Jun 28, 2017, 1:35 PM
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Got her at 10 wks old, and had her for about 5 months before taking her to the processor. In that time, she went from 10 lbs to 226 lbs. Feed was cheap from Tractor Supply along with that years' bumper crop of acorns. Probably the best pig I ever cooked.
Now I live in suburbia and it is sucking the life out of me, but my wife is happy. I miss having chickens.
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Oculus Spirit [79012]
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she tracks my iphone to a trailer park in Gaston
Jun 28, 2017, 1:35 PM
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uh wut?
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CU Medallion [73570]
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for those tl;dr folks
Jun 28, 2017, 1:36 PM
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he got 2 pigs off a redneck couple and went home.
yctml.
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: for those tl;dr folks
Jun 28, 2017, 1:50 PM
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It was three pigs, and If I may say so, it's worth a read.
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Oculus Spirit [98017]
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Ok. I akshully read it all and have just one question
Jun 28, 2017, 1:39 PM
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WHY!!!???
Those pigs are just about the perfect weight already for the cooker. How about you fatten them a little and then have the entire Lunge over for a pig pickin?
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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I'm not going to Gaston
Jun 28, 2017, 1:41 PM
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I have no ####### clue where that is, but I've gathered enough context clues to know I'm not going there.
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Oculus Spirit [98017]
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Oh, it's a cultural experience you shouldn't miss***
Jun 28, 2017, 2:08 PM
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Oculus Spirit [98017]
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Negatory. That's the upscale area. The worst part
Jun 28, 2017, 2:19 PM
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of Gaston is just about everywhere AROUND it. Can't cook meth in the middle of downtown.
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CU Medallion [64837]
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You're right. I had a typo... fixed it.***
Jun 28, 2017, 2:28 PM
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Heisman Winner [106097]
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: Ok. I akshully read it all and have just one question
Jun 28, 2017, 1:43 PM
[ in reply to Ok. I akshully read it all and have just one question ] |
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I know. I will make some decisions this weekend. I got these with zero planning or thought at all. She offered me a boar if I would like to bread more. That was the one that got out of the truck. She told me that I can come get it when it returns home in a day or two. I may do that, but I need to get a plan together first.
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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Yeah bring your own meth pipe next time instead of sharing***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:48 PM
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Oculus Spirit [98017]
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Option #2 if you care to hear.....
Jun 28, 2017, 2:13 PM
[ in reply to Re: Ok. I akshully read it all and have just one question ] |
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Knew a guy who does this and makes some semi-serious $$$ doing it.
Pen them up and feed the hell out of them with corn, etc. I noticed they were wild. You wouldn't want to eat those if they weighed much more. ANYWAY, fatten them to around 400lbs or so and then sell them to hunting clubs and plantations that cater to rich Yankees. Yankees come to SC and pay thousands to hunt 400lb wild boar. What they're really killing is a captured wild boar fattened in a pen, who is released the morning of the hunt for the rich Yankees to shoot.
I'm serious. I can get you some contacts at some of the plantations if you like.
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Let's not use the "P" word with Obed and RobertN around....***
Jun 28, 2017, 2:17 PM
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Oculus Spirit [98017]
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My bad. Haven't gotten this week's edition of
Jun 28, 2017, 2:23 PM
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"Incendiary Words Liberals Hate". I hear they have an app (paid subscription) with daily updates, for those who want to be 100% certain not to offend anyone.
But I know about all the outdated computer lingo like motherboard, master and slave drives, etc. and also know about criss-cross-applesauce instead of indian-style. I'm learning, but it's a full-time job being 100% PC. I try though.
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CU Medallion [64837]
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I was JK, by the way.
Jun 28, 2017, 2:25 PM
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We had an operator at the plant where I work get enraged when we were talking about taking master and slave drives online/offline. He absolutely lost his sh*t. It was hilarious.
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Oculus Spirit [98017]
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Criss-cross-applesauce gets me.
Jun 28, 2017, 2:36 PM
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My kids literally have never heard of sitting "indian style".
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CU Medallion [66471]
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ITT I ahve learned the following
Jun 28, 2017, 1:39 PM
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- @ryanadidas®'s Bitmoji is wearing adidas - Dodge Dakota ? Love you brother but POOOOOOR - Gaston ? Hope you got your rabies shot - Pigs ? Pigs ? - Fix the got #### tailgate - Feeding your pigs essentially roadkill ? ARe you sure YOU don't live in Gaston - You let your wife track you ? How many ways can you be so wrong ?
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: ITT I ahve learned the following
Jun 28, 2017, 1:48 PM
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- @ryanadidas®'s Bitmoji is wearing adidas - Glad you like that... It was on purpose.
- Dodge Dakota ? Love you brother but POOOOOOR - Tell me about it. It's a 2004. Haven't had a car payment since 2006. 205K miles and running skrong (knock on wood). If I had a nice car that would be less beer money, and the boss man wouldn't ever give me a raise again if he thought I had enough extra money to buy a car. Plus - it has already turned into a beater truck, which as we all have learned this week, is hard to find.
- Gaston ? Hope you got your rabies shot - No shiz. I hardly ever go there (once or twice in my life). I've heard lots of stories, but it was way worse than I imagined.
- Pigs ? Pigs ? - FREE, F R E E
- Fix the got #### tailgate - Beater truck so no. I broke it by trying to sling a deer carcass out of my truck bed by backing up quickly at the corner of one of my fields. Backed right into a pine tree. Oh well, YLYL.
- Feeding your pigs essentially roadkill ? ARe you sure YOU don't live in Gaston - Nah. I'm fairly "country", but those people looked at me like I was a big-city yankee banker or something. They actually called me "city boy" multiple times. I guess it's all relative.
- You let your wife track you ? How many ways can you be so wrong ? - she used the "find my iphone" thing. I guess she knows my itunes password. Whatever, I ain't got nuthin' to hide. (plus if I changed my password, she'd think I was up to something)
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Hall of Famer [23994]
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cute bitmoji bruh***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:51 PM
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Oculus Spirit [79304]
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WHO'S SCOK?????***
Jun 28, 2017, 1:52 PM
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Hall of Famer [23994]
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Re: Gerald? That you?***
Jun 28, 2017, 2:12 PM
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no
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Moar pics
Jun 28, 2017, 1:55 PM
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CU Medallion [73570]
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you see, you always lead off with pigs of pigs***
Jun 28, 2017, 2:02 PM
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Hall of Famer [23693]
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This was a good read, but it left me wanting...
Jun 28, 2017, 1:59 PM
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I don't know, more. Character development was there, needed a little more background obviously. Nice action sequences. I liked the part where the rednecks did drugs, that's always a good detail to throw in.
6.2/10 wouldn't read again.
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All-In [40376]
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Did y'all even try to recover #4?
Jun 28, 2017, 2:34 PM
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Or did you just let it run away?
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All-In [29076]
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You ever seen a hog run? Their actually pretty quick and
Jun 28, 2017, 2:37 PM
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have a lot of momentum.
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CU Medallion [64837]
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Re: Did y'all even try to recover #4?
Jun 28, 2017, 3:25 PM
[ in reply to Did y'all even try to recover #4? ] |
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I took a couple of strides, but "Gerald" told me that i was wasting my time. "Its runnoft to the briar patch to hide with that #### donkey. He'll be back in a few days. You'can come gettem then iffn you want."
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